UNTITLED
some  music

album 3536 

20.10 As I do when people leave, I call the philosopher (that‘s a lie) - he said it‘s just my pride, that made me reach out to him, it‘s my dignity, that can‘t say goodbye. »« He is right, he knows that, I know that as well and now also you. By that we are all informed even we don‘t care equally. »« Well, factically, this is the first time I got left. There was just one time this man didn‘t show up, but that is something else. »« They claim, a lot of things I say are contradictional, while excluding that weakness is always in harmony. »« »Weak week«, they are barking in the hamster wheel, imagine the dirty pigs they are while we talk here so freely. Well... I go wild. »« All I want is being babied by a man. »« The philosopher said I am just confused and I replied, this is what makes me wonder. It is not happening often that I am truly perplexed. »« I like the philosopher, because he gives me enough love to survive and this purity allows Sartre‘s freedom, maybe the biggest thing given in my life I rely on (even the philosopher isn‘t french - in any case, it wouldn‘t help). »« As also said to him, this bewilderment uncertains me. We [you, me, maybe they] know: confusion is a prison, but how can be, when life is playful, right? Right. »« By encountering philosophy I found make up for maelstrom and guess what, it fits my face pretty well, looking a bit like my mind and shielding from stupidity at the same time *multifunctional*, because, ja just because... (currently I am claiming myself a panpsychist, even this floats because other stuff consumes me). »« It doesn‘t really matter for now, but: I sacrificed a heart and even it hasn‘t been me that placed it on the chess board, it was my greed that took it, although it wasn‘t meant to be in my power, it‘s been a Trojan horse. »« (Romantics would write, they stole it, but no: the heart was sacrified, because also the love is a madman.) »« I could have taken the runner instead of the queen, but who am I. »« [...] »« Well, I try to live the life of a good human (today, tomorrow, maybe even yesterday) and when I look around I would say I do pretty well. Yet, ups, how happened, right? I won‘t tell you (even I would love to) I don‘t do it, because the love would be mad at me, fearing his consequences, but it is myself, which is the mad one, right? Right. »« So, whatever was the content that is now defining my longterm future, isn‘t worth to put in words, because some things are also just too uncomfortable to write (because I know one day I will be an artist and all this against my convictions). »« Another mask, I hide! »« Could be, could be... »« It wasn‘t the best game, however. »« Dear reader, be aware, that I am flexible, just the things given to me are unbeding (such as the fact, that I had a cat). »« The good thing about intellect is, it can‘t be scratched by emotional confusion. »« The shit is, it makes unteachable in a sense and one day you might have a wound, vocabulary (everything), but no patch is able to stop the bleed, so better be careful. »« For now I want to feel sad, that‘s why I invited the caring one, the ignoring one and the witch. *The witch is my favorite.* I bought wine, even I was supposed not to drink (it was for the partner, but with the leaving of the love he also took the goal), whatever, fuck it. »« They say they‘ll arrive in a minute, so they can hear my pain and I love to suffer, at least for now, so »please take a seat in the first row«.°

01.30 They have gone home and took the empty bottles with them after hearing my confusions and expressing comfort to me, they left me, left CHAOS, sadness, an unsorted mind: boredom. »« [...] »« Something that poisons me: at the moment (and I don‘t know since when) I‘m existing as a performance, conflicted with things that are not part of the play. It‘s not getting better, it is running worse: I claim I don‘t really exist at all, not even as a philosopher. »« Dissapointing. »« I danced a performance given with no introduction, of course it ended in improviation theater, a thing I hate with all my cells. Because I am not an artist, I could be, but I am not, no performance artist, no, not that, at least not. »« »Life implies death, self implies others.« This is nothing I say. »« However, I never admitted it, because to whom should I. »« At the moment I am aware, that I am drunken, scratched... »« I will formulate myself tomorrow morning. 

02.50 I can‘t sleep. 

03.15 I started a new candle glass for measuring the active time I am missing the love, so much kitsch, and I think: pay attention reader, be aware, I am also dancing for you.

04.00 What if Sartre would friendly remind us of something: the demand of narratives to their possibility of change for society. »« I did the same mistake as all writers: I watched the characters, but ups, I didn‘t admire, I just turned into a voyeur (never mind, never mind, I had not orgasms to all of them!) .... »« Well, but the moral compass, right? So, I can‘t pulish the book, at least not since the love thinks I hate him. »« Metaphor: Those who need a keyhole to hide from exposure even nobody is home, don‘t need to be decoded in order to acknowledge crossing borders. (I talk to myself.) »«  (But I mean him, us, the baby...) »« Ultimately I just hoped I could become their cult leader, or something... like that. »« [...] »« Let me tell you a bit, just so you don‘t start hating, because what do I know which kind of animal you are, I am a lovely lady. I fit them [society] and it suits us both. You could critizise: who is lying in the own diary? I tell you it‘s the one with plains that sound like clouds. Be aware, that I am sometimes lying. Because madness is a freedom, shamelessness is entitlement and the outside not more than a stage created in the nirvana (and happy is the one with paradise inside the body), so believe me when I tell you I hold up doors for older ladies, that I encounter every issue first with empathy and bring a bottle of wine either I visit a friend or an enemy. »« [...] »« It‘s more (or less), it‘s bigger (but for sure not smaller), maybe something like a a space in which I see no door that fits my size to exit mindland. 

04.50 I am stuffed with the idea that I have to explain my tendency to unpredictability, but this is an honesty I tell just you: I enjoy it (because oversharing is defusion). »« It‘s fun, because it‘s fearless and it carries all the stories that fill my memory. »« I am not saying you are dumb, if you sway the walz of them, but I start to be fed up with the idea of discussing with breathless dancers the qualia of deconstruction. »« Well, I am just a cynical. »« Philosophy isn‘t infaliable (I know, I know), because of time, because of coherency (I can smell it....). Dancers claim they are flexible, but imagine the walz: I don‘t picture them so. »« I am a thinker, because I was an ignored child with blond curls (poor me), I entered the world of analysts because of the philosopher‘s taken notes and I stayed in relation to all the temperaments that taught me my positions. »« For the characters I left, because the love asked for my hand at the ball to be his ridig partner. He rose the arm and I linked - but while he is born in marionette theater, I tried to play a monologue. »« Maybe I am the devil - or it‘s just not everybody‘s horizon, who know‘s, but: instead of leaving him, I left the light into the sun. »« And there I danced.° »« You don‘t suffer from forgetting like me but: the love has gone - maybe with good reason maybe not, dear reader, also this we both won‘t know. »« But we can assume, the dancing didn‘t help. »« I can admit (it‘s not that!): I am not infallible, nor am I always right, perhaps there‘s no necessity to love the self, and therefore no one else. »« I‘ll try not to drink from now on. Not for the love, but against the confusion. 

05.30 Something remains in my mind that was said by the ignoring tonight: »Maybe it‘s worth it to stop writing, to end taking notes.« It hasn‘t gotten me too much, at least not in this subject there she is right even it‘s not been said, but in her old life she was a journalist, isn‘t this dissapointing as well? Now she is a shell.

06.15 My eyes are burning but I am not crying. »« 

album 3537 

09.40 A dog is barking, he sounds small. »« Maybe it was in my dreams. »« I don‘t enjoy sleeping, especially when I am haunted by my mind, I think that‘s why I‘m awake already (I know how odd that sounds). And also: tic tac. »« Beside obvious fear underlying my question of: »Where we travel (into our minds/while we fall asleep)«, dreaming stresses me out because I wake up with not much more than a feeling of a feeling. (If you don‘t, lucky you.) This emotions are normally a sphere in somnolence, laking transfer to vigilance, but what do I know. »« [...] »« To cause a better darkness, however, I wrote a letter to the love and sent it instead to the ignoring (which I do not name like this because I think she is not sharp, beautiful or intelligent), she is a common interface with the love but she is also silent and the letters little. »« The canadian arrived and I feel better. 

23.15 We met then love on the street. Just like that.m This has happened only one time before, in the white house. »« I am not who I am meant to be. »« The witch would say, there is no coincidence and at least there is always a causality, I would give her that. »« We went to see an exhibition and now that we are home, I feel embarrassed about different things (well, I always was an idiot): 
             1. I was drunk when we stood in front of the love.
             2. I didn‘t know what to say, because I was drunk.
             3. I was drunk from my freedom.°
I invited the witch because I don‘t feel like entertaining the canadian, I know she can‘t stand silence and with that becomes a perfect match to give the canadian something to think about. »« We go to a performance and because I can‘t talk (I guess I can only be), I need to exit my house. Out, out here, inside of that shit.

04.40 »The wind of May changes everything.« (I found it polemic (so proletic), also: he read from his phone), but he should stay right with it, that is what I thought. »« Some time ago, the witch warned me about the love (because she was putting the cards) and it turned out just by chance that our end started exactly on the day prognosed. »« I am not leaning towards superstition. »« »Everything is energy and that‘s all there is to it. Match the fre-quency of the energy you want to manifest, and you will create that reality. This is not philosophy. This is physics.« [Albert Einstein] »« Beside the sort of depressing stuff I thought: I am happy about the fact, that time can be manipulated, at least if you play dumb. »« By that I mean: we went to the intendant, I though: let me play, I need to, and while it, some music! Monkey!m I never win at all but love to push the little shiny ball, I like it so much that I don‘t care about the outcome, at home that makes me think, why (the result)? »« I didn‘t drink further, but it doesn‘t make a difference for the fog in my body. »« We talked about connections. Conciousness while action. »« I feel guilty, even I don‘t have to, I don‘t know anymore. »The only thing I know is that I know nothing.« [Socrates] So basic. (So silly also.) »The only thing I know is that I don‘t know.« [Habermas] »Could be.«

05.15 I ate something. »« The thing with relationships, either if it is intellectual, emotional, sexual or social [or x] encounters always two [or x] individuals, and therefore it‘s just a very little chance,   that everything is fitting, but I look around and think, this it can‘t be neither, all hating each other, they seperate after 25 years and then don‘t speak even one word anymore. Au revoir, well actually not. Isn‘t this strange?° (Question to myself.) »« However, there is no point in elaborating on why the love and I got into a quarrel or whose fault it was in first place, at least not recently, because it honestly doesn‘t contribute to the story and I don‘t even allow it from myself to myself (because I am so ashamed). This is the confusion I was talking about: am I victim blaming myself or the director of a mad play? If so, I interpreted the theater I knew from my childhood in the notion of Kafka, but by chance I turned the cockroach, not saying, that the bedroom was tidy at all, but if not: not, you know? 

album 3538 

12.30 In any interpretation the theater has ended, the stage is dirty, the curtains closed. »« Nobody clapped, that is what I am thinking. »« The conversations (and the alcohol, I don‘t want to lie) made it possible for me to sleep like a corpse. I‘m not writing that cynically nor dissapointed, even I know I broke my promise - I rested so well. »« It‘s for the first time in one year (I amalso ashamed of this fact): no fight to fear anymore, no undecided thought to waste, no dissapointed face to see. It‘s so relieving that I ask myself why didn‘t I run before the baby arrived? [142 days ago] »« While I sit on the table and write this phrases the canadian cooks coffee, lightens a candle, starts some music (...), well, we could be artists, couldn‘t we? Canadian! »« It reminds me of home, my old studio, my old me, how much do I miss her, when did I lost her? »« The outcome of this morning is following: The love is gone and I want to investigate, I am up to find the right tension (for me, because I want). »« With a notion of cynism in my motivation I think, I have time to figure it out, because there is nothing else at the moment.m »« Mmm... maybe it is just the morning sun. 

13.50 The canadian brought it as a mark in her book, a narrative a dear friend gave her for the flight - she showed me, because she liked it, and she gifted it to me, because I asked her to do so. »« It‘s a Bob Dylan postcard and a personal invitation from Bruno Berle addressed to her on the back. »« I know I‘m decorating things, but for myself, for the universe, because there is nothing else I want to watch. »« Assumingly it must be a form of either nostalgia - or romantic (me, acting like that). I will think about what it means to keep this object, as a memory, while not even owning a sofa, a closet or curtains. »« I am a victim of Ludwig Wittgenstein‘s thoughts, I have still two years to become as influencal as him, but I am embarrassed, that‘s the only reason why I am not so precious about it anymore: imagine, somebody would say, the women.... HYSTERIA. How could I survive this, not even if I would be an artist. (Not even...) »« What I want to say with this is, I am frustrated that for everything vocabulary is always so so limited. Especially for how I feel at the moment. 

15.00 I broke the cycle and listened to an album I already listened to. (Ausnahmen bestätigen die Regel.) Bruno Berle - No Reino Dos Afetos - 2022. Have to say, I don‘t like it that much in general.

17.00 I always thought love language is language and I googled it right now, it is considered one.

22.15 I‘m grateful that the canadian gives me the space to write, even though I tell her about Peter Ells who started working on his book while his wife was dying - complaining afterwards about it (not to his wife though, she dies within six month while he needed another four years to finish it, sorry but: idiot). »« To the canadian I expressed that I admire her for the flexibility of thinking, in general, that she is always without blame. »« It‘s a strong character thread of her and I realize how engaging, how caring her aura flies around me - with this sense of freedom in language: I asked her about everything she knows.

04.50 There are gains and losses: 
             1. I am drunk (beyond measure, again). 
             2. I chose to go to McDonalds instead of entering the white house - I admit I just decided in front of the entrance, but I am proud to have at least eaten instead of kept drinking. »« However, for my promise, I am ashamed that tomorrow I will have forgotten all about the healing and teaching words the canadian had for me and I realize that I hardly know any synonyms for shame, but that may also be due to the fogginess that I am so ashamed of (right now). »« Nebelkerzen everywhere. »« I am not worse than others. 

album 3539 

10.00 Insomnia. (My head is bursting, but it would be childish to write: »SHALALA« (the sound of my head.) Well.m »« Hangover and intellect [enemies]. This can not be the truth of feelings. »« A moment ago we were sitting at the table, talking, and I felt like I‘ve let someone down, until I realized: it‘s me. »Bah.« »« Today I can‘t think, today I want to indulge in the pain without hating myself afterwards, so I decide to invite over, go out to eat, for a walk and laugh. 

03.20 The caring one was here and cared, listened again, said I‘m not a bad person. (I know.) »« But now it‘s late, and I think just because no one is peeking through the keyhole.... »« I‘m going to take a shower. »« 23,something for dinner.

album 3540 

08.00 The canadian tries so hard to keep me busy (and so do I), but my mind haunts me and it‘s fucking fast. »« I don‘t think I‘ve ever been depressed in my life and for sure I know I‘ve never thought about murder in any form, yet, I wonder if bubbles can be resilient (knowing full well they are not more than soap), because it shows: even if others don‘t come with knives, all it takes for bubbles is the will of act to burst them. »« I think this sounded stupid, so dramatic it has been written. »« I asked her, the canadian, for advice and she said, it‘s going to be fine. Today we will do nice things. 

00.00 We went out and talked with the painter, he was there with others, and she was right, we did nice things. »« While sitting here I wonder about the fact, that I met the painter on the day the love started with the hell. »« They had a guy with them, back in the days we called him the Lidl-guy, I also wonder what‘s his part in all that. »« I am running wild, because these are other dynamics. »« I sent a quote to the third on of them, not to encounter, so we said both thank you, good night.  

04:00 With this note, I promise to work on myself for myself. »« It‘s kind of obvious, maybe because it‘s late: 
           1. Free people decide for themselve when to leave.
           2. Free people decide for themselve when to change.
»« Both positions can be parallel or contradictional and still be true at the same time. »« I
am not stupid, moreover I guess it‘s a bit different, it looks like there is no choice, because when the only goal in life is to fully enjoy, then, for sure, it is not this way. I can‘t abandon myself (poor me, »poor me!«), because that would mean that I had to separate mind and body. »« They try it from the mental side or simply jump from the bridge, I don‘t like either of these ideas. »« Question: Do I love the love, or do I love the idea that he was the aesthetic phenomena in my persona? Well, it is second, I know so, but yet I should feel more free, because this confusion shit is not fitting me. I am not that. (Not, because I don‘t want to, neither because I think my way of living is the better one, okay, well, maybe.)

05.20 I should try to manifest it. »« [As] Theater or not.° 

album 3541 

11.00 The canadian has gone and with her the current filling for time. (And space, at some point I studied architecture.) »« I remember the canadian saying before she left: nothing can collapse what couldn‘t be fixed. Right, ja, well...m

12.00 I think nothing can fall down, there she is right, because not much is put up (I‘ve came unprepared for the curios watchers). »« I would be stupid if I chose the latter, so I accept it, at least for now. »« Every day I get more dissapointed about myself, about loosing my convictions, my face, my pride, dependency is the opposite of freedom, I don‘t tell this anybody. 

20.00 I read »The Death of Ivan Ilyich«  by Tolstoy.  I don‘t assume it‘s important to separate individual stories, once they have one thing in common: instead of meeting an emotional dream with felt desire, I‘ve spent my life focusing on theorizing details that surrounded my persona. It‘s been a dreamtheater. And it was always there for me to tempt me. »« Further: it led into things, that also indulged others. »« So I assumed, the others must be grateful, and even now I think, if [s]he would have been, they could have investigated the paradise.m (I hear the sound of vanity in this sentence, in reality I laughted.) »« I neither want to say it‘s not a truth, just another thing to question. »« Because, we are all writers of the stories around us, with a singular difference: the own one we have to experience with our naked skin. 

02.00 I assume I love grieving, otherwise there would be no drive for me now. »« Towards you reader I want to say: Imagine all the artists that do insanity dances, everybody always says, that romance has to be healthy, but then look at Kahlo, Abramovic, Sartre, Beuys, they scream while they twirl! [...] I could name people with no end - and now tell me, that society isn‘t seaking exactly for that. »« The leaving love decided to go because he felt no space on the stage, he also wanted to shout (so badly), but he had nothing to say and in this silence I assume, he understood (as response he yelled at me, not much time ago). »« I don‘t know if this is true in the eyes of the love (that he left because of space issues), but also I don‘t make a difference about his position, I perceived it like that and this is my philosophy. »« However, the christmas night doesn‘t get off my mind, it was so close, so intimate.... too tense. »« And then we fell on the floor and broke. Just a bit, but time managed and I didn‘t hear the clock. Instead, I needed a witch screaming in time, not knowing what she was saying. »« Maybe I loved him, I give it that chance, but also I can‘t lie, that I search since ever for the end of my painting (but also dramatising the fact, that this might be the end of expression) and because I stayed in my drive I started to be dellusional (but in a not so driving way). »« I had time to think about that and I did, but I kept silent with my assumptions. »« Maybe I really fell in love, also this might be as it will turn out, not expecting it, because it never happened. I could have admitted it to the love, saying it (maybe just one time), but I didn‘t and that glued me not to him but to myself. »« I wanted the opposite effect. »« I admit acknowledging that turned me evil. »« Because, even I wouldn‘t have had to hide it, vurnerability was my secret and I payed rather with a loss than with disclosure. »« Now I feel embarrassed about that. »« Maybe the person could have been anyone, maybe not, maybe the person should have been different, maybe not. Maybe I loved the person and didn‘t know how to act, maybe it scared me that I am vurnerable and it wasn‘t the right person to share it with, because of the battlefield, because of the pain, because of the insult, because of (...). But maybe it was. »« One day at a time. »« Be-
side that I started today learning vocabulary, also there is actually no excuse existing to avoid doing it. I feel like I need to act, for myself. »« Partly because I observe me eating only noodle soup and this won‘t be accepted. 

03.15 Things can be true, can be false, or both. »« Maybe all at once, but at least always one. I can only repeat this. »« Very silent I think, but maybe, if I would have been sober, I would have seen that the other is the devil and even I am a gambler, I would have retired from it. [304 days ago]

album 3542 

07.40 When I woke up at 06.10, I didn‘t know where I was. This happens to me often and especially since I moved. »« I hate it, it‘s like dementia suffering from a moment of clarity, it‘s so bitter (the awakening), because the scenario is like the unfolding of a shuttlecock, leaving nothing but the bleak sight of a battlefield (dramatic). When I understood where I was, I also remembered who I am and what happened. »« The realization led me to start the song that connected the love to me, he told me that once (even I wouldn‘t assume this song with him in reverse, because, instead, I relate it to the vagrant). »« However, listening to that song led me to staying in my bed for more than two hours. »« I repeated the song seventeen or eightteen times. And: »Bah«, I hate it, now the song is dead forever. (I must be a masochist or an idiot but probably both.) »« Even worse: It felt like I was talking to the love, but I know the love didn‘t hear a single word of it. (Also it is ridiculous to enter a daydream like this, so I get up embarrassed.) »« I took this week off and the next, also the one after and when I think about it, I have a feeling it might be the end of architecture for me. I guess that‘s hope (cynically). 

09.30. To feel less miserable I decided to drink the coffee I made earlier this morning not home but on the shore, because the new house offers this. 

10.10 Having a view was the reason I went there (not just today, often), but the realization brought me back, as fast as possible. »« Because: there is no chance to not see the house of the love on the other side of the river. 

11.30 Not cured from the morning embarrasment, I think: Maybe we sat there even at the same time, the love on his side, me on mine, looking to the exact other point, thinking about the »us« (or the baby), but even if we were, with certainty we couldn‘t have seen the other, the distance is too far and with that it is not more than a metaphor. (Even it is true, at least, that you can see the house.) »« I am so stupid, thinking that. »« At home I moved around a bit, cleared the table and danced, it made me sweat, but also sad. Afterwards I listened to music and took a shower. »« The album was by Lili Boulanger, it‘s full of pain. »« It‘s only ten o‘clock and I have nothing better to do, so I start making coffee again. »« I am getting skinnier. »« In the laboratory I have an induction stove and only one pot working (I will not change that, I am a minimalist), I have to put the Bialetti in a water bath to heat up the coffee (thanks god to physic classes back then), what actually takes a while. »« Time passing, tic tac. »« Earlier in life this would have been a moment I called the love. »« Doing the coffee I am thinking: from now on, when I don‘t know how to act, I will decide like Marina Abramovic, this seem logic to me, because I admire her for her weaknesses. 

14.00 One day the love and I sat naked opposite each other in my old appartment and even I don‘t know if we shared the shore on different sides today (or any other day in life), I thought: I don‘t need anyone sitting naked in front of me to undress myself. »« For the last three hours therefore I took a seat naked on my floor and actively mourned. »« I sat there, because I can: as artist. »« And honestly, I feel lighter now, maybe just because it was so painful - cold, uncomfortable. »« Being there I felt sorry for myself and that brings me back to this toilet (I talk about the diary). »« I think it‘s pointless to concentrate on silence for three hours only to let it become loud again, so I‘ll just share the essences: 
          1. I have to learn silence. »But:«
          2. I don‘t have to forgive things (Dosdojevski has a point), I have to give information the space to be impresent. Not for others, but for my  own peace. 
          3. I am aggrieved even I don‘t know what it is. 
»« The fact of being alone doesn‘t scare me as it scared me that maybe on day I could be alone with boredom. »« Since I have to live at least for now with this strange perceptions inside my body (that I love the love as I have never loved somebody else), I would be silly if I don‘t use it [time], because what would hurt me the most would be somebody [me, you, them] claiming my intelligence as not existent. »« Sitting naked on the floor at the mercy of being, I thought, if at some point there is no one left, what if I can fight boredom, but not the fact that it will be like in Sartre‘s Le Nausée, without others: but myself. »« I want to think about that. »« So, I have to forgive the love and myself. Not because the love deserves it, but I do. 

16.20 I called the philosopher again. He says, are you sure you are in love? Are you sure, he is smart enough discovering you without your permission? Are you sure you want to turn naked? »« I am not sure. 

17.00 There is one thing about time that usually impresses but unsettles me right now: Time is for all the same. »Who turned the clock, it‘s really that late already?« [The Pink Panther] No. Maybe. [...]m »« I‘m going to go for a walk and listen to the opera Pagliacci by Ruggero Leoncavallo. An Italian mind of my past° (he was an architect) once told me that it is about ordinary people all full of suffering. »« Earlier in life I always listened to Tosca when I wanted to mourn, it doesn‘t seem fitting me now. »« He was the most sad person I met in my life which never thought about suicide, I guess therefore, now, I follow his reccommondation. 

18.20 It helped. 

20.00 I can‘t lose all my feathers at once, my pride won‘t allow it, I am not saying it as an excuse to you dear reader, because what do I know which kind of human you are, right? Right, but I feel it as a rock blocking the door, it will take a while to put it down with not more than my nine and a half fingers. »« There‘s the me (that‘s) on the ground and there‘s [my] reality. »« At the moment I feel the word sad as a syonym for devastated. »« »Lick your wounds, you are beautiful«, someone said today. »« Enough thought for now. »« Mmmmm »« My mind is hungry for stimulation, for visual
beauty, for self-perception [even for today it is just through others]. I go out to see a garden in company and a concert in loneliness. In a regular day though, I would be more exited. 

01.00 I‘ve just came back from my cosmos, where white noise envelops me to a point that I can‘t actually think and yet, today, I couldn‘t indulge in anything else but this: I love »me«. This time. These interactions. That life. (And it‘s been a thought.) »« I don‘t think I need a high for being, my character lives without intoxication, I don‘t need to show my ouput constantly, it get‘s seen by the right eyes anyways, it‘s specific, it‘s vocal (between them and me, between you and them, between me and you), I don‘t need company, my persona works just as well alone. There is no need drinking to captivate. »« I was a pleasure. »« This musician, that accompanied the woman‘s performance, has a great lastname but in here let‘s call him the magician° (let‘s just decide it), he has something around him that makes me wanting to think about him, maybe he appears again. »« When I was walking home a person stopped me, saying with a stuffed mouth: »I saw you already in the neighbourhood earlier tonight, now I go home, and I want to say you look like an angel.« (He, instead, didn‘t.) »« I am sorry for this stranger that I wasn‘t saying thank you as a respectful adult, just, that he should enjoy his pizza. I was rude, because another man was a coward towards me. »« The guy left in the same direction as the love always did and tonight I decide that I will in future bring bigger space between me and the boatstation, just in case. 

03.30 I did nothing else but sung (I‘m a terrible singer), but before I go to sleep a thing: I want to give flowers to the love, preferably every day and every week. But I can‘t, so I‘ve probably been racking my brain about it for days - because Marina would also° (think about it [reader]). »« Tonight I don‘t believe in coincidences, determinism doesn‘t allow me to, and yet I don‘t think we can slip past each other without a trace. »« I spent some time and measured how likely it could have been to first meet and second like each other, if I didnt forget something it‘s a number that looks more or less like this: 0 high 142 0 high 32 numbers. When I see this zeros I rate our clashing spots way smaller as the similarities we share. »« If the universe has brought us together (and I suspect that I will delete this sentence later, primarily out of shame), then we can‘t escape anyways and a thing is certain: We either die seperatly or become a phoenix together. (I am aware of the weakness in this formulation, but I am writer so I can put down imaginations, whatever weaknesses I want, barkings, pettings, giraffes... it‘s my decision.) »« A certainty: If we met with a reason or not, we will be always punished by ignorance about the answer. »« I think, the love would have liked the concert. »« Last note: Today I read »The Aspern Papers«, by Henry James. I liked the phrase: »There was no voice in the house; it seemed to me that I had never heard such a hush.« 

album 3543

07.10 More sleep, whatever it costs. 

11.00 I didn‘t tidy up my laboratory and was careless about how visitors perceive it, I thought weakness has the allowance to be visible. 

12.30 Now I don‘t think this anymore. It‘s a bit like »you are what you eat«, isn‘t it? »« While tidying up I thought about what the philosopher said yesterday: »Deep down you know that you can still decide whether you want (t)his flower to grow in your garden.« - Knowing full well that I‘ve been fighting over a duplicate of the buket for a year. »« »Nebelkerzen.« That‘s all I can think of. »« Marina would work, give space to pain, and so I will work, she seem to be healed, so maybe I will. »« I want to keep my perception of him.°

17.30 I find it exhausting that my emotions go round in circles while doing nothing [daydreaming/meditating]. »« I‘ve spent thirty minutes looking at a picture of the two of us (I saw it while tidying, as well as a note from the love, I forgot about both). »« I think it‘s the most describing picture taken of us. The happiness I transport is something I must trust, while I look at his face and I think, he was sad that day. My smile however also is a lie, because by remembering that day, week, month I know that I actually was broken as well. »« It‘s killing me inside not to have a plan because I am a strategist and the one that plans the future is way more flexible than me.

19.30 Later I thought, I forgot Abramovic, then I recorded 1000x »I love you«. »« I didn‘t eat something today and it‘s one week exactly, however, it‘s always like this when I am confused: no food helps. »« It feels like months I didn‘t see his beautiful face. »« I count 13 candles. »« Do I go crazy, or am I curing from madness? 

02.00 The caring friend insisted to feed me, which I am thankful for. »« I have to admit, it also doesn‘t help, that I don‘t drink. »« I listen to »In a Manner of Speaking« by Nouvelle Vague too many times. »« 16,70 for dinner and coke zero (I drank four). »« »Marina, I don‘t know to whom to say »I love you««, 58:32 min, recording.

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06.20 I got up that early, because I had in mind to work today for the studio, turned out to be not true.

08.30 Reader, do you remember the game »[s]he loves me - [s]he loves me not«?  Well, I just used the principle to decide whether to gift the love flowers or not (because conciously I knew it isn‘t appropriate but, (but!) I felt so hedonistic to rescue my pride) so, well, I did give him a buket, because the stairs ended when my finger was tipping »I should.« »« I gave him flowers, because he took my pride. And I thought, with the flowers, I can get it back. I felt it poetic. »« As a goodbye.°° 

09.30 [Some time later] Now, after ordering, I‘m embarrassed, that‘s why I first reached out to the florist shop to cancel off the action (but was ignored) and then called the caring one, hoping, she has a solution. She only said I have to wear it with pride now. »« Fuck. »« It‘s because I think the person won‘t understand. »« I sent eight sunflowers, because one time he sent me other yellow ones, with the note: »A few flowers for the bright sun.« »« Hence the sensual choice, reader, I am sorry. »« I should have ordered the flowers for me instead, having them in my house not his, giving them to me not him. »« Bcause I am stilizising the love (of course I know that), because conciously I know that it was his mission to cancel me. I know I am better right now, and yet, I don‘t want it to pass. »« I am so stupid thinking this could have been the one. »« All the thoughts and I still didn‘t act different. »« I just didn‘t. »I couldn‘t.«m 

11.00 Something needs to happen, not with him, nor the situation, but with me, to digress my head. »« I‘ll go to the beach, collect shells and hide, that‘s the plan. 

18.30 I decided to just listen to the water and walk. Unfortunately, the ocean is very loud. »« The
idea of Siamese twins came to my mind again, the idea of merging, time passed and more time passes, but I think: people love drama. »« A clarity of loneliness that I‘d like to share with me [you]: To allow vurnerability it must be possible to actually be sensitive, but it must be also carried with a lot of respect from the other[s]. »« Because, there is never too much trust, just too less respect, right? Maybe. »« However, I can not cure from the idea, that sensitivity is predictability and as a gambler it‘s hard for me to let go that idea of being just around, it was my identity and I carried that trait with integrity. »« Because I am a conceptionalist, I do art only if neccessary and therefore I need stories, it‘s a cycle, and all I have to spin the wheel is sein, a little glimmer to create the things I do. »« But let me be a peacock, right now I like the idea of changing cocoon. »« Because, who cares, if the love is a good human or not, neither if he was a good partner or a couch guy - also what does it change, if he ever changes, at least nothing for my aura, but I feel it in every cell of my body: I am specific, but in a good way, it must be, because it is all my work, which gets accepted. »« I excuse myself an artist, maybe, maybe... »« I will take a shower now, get ready (today I feel like wearing a dress), meet friends and the painter, with flying around them I will skip some time. 

03.30 We have been on the roof of the academy, talking, sharing. I couldn‘t answer the question where the love was, the painter asked, I said: »another day«. (Another mistake.) »« I spent the night tossing and turning, not drinking, but suffering. »« We sat on the floor of the communa, the tension of the witch (they didn‘t had sex yet) sang a song with a person who played the piano, we took off our shoes (I forgot them there, we laughted, my feet were dirty, we had fun, had friends...) »« I got to know a beautiful woman, she is from America (poor lady) and her dark skin was in the light of the communa just so tempting to me. »« The witch and her temptation walked me home, but: I followed them only to realize we were all chasing my shadow. 

04.40 It‘s a vicious circle: the less I sleep, the livelier my imagination is, which ends in insomnia.° 

06.00 Maybe it‘s the time of the day, but I think we‘re ending up in war, that‘s what is crossing my mind, so I write a letter to Hannah Arendt. »« Probably that‘s also the reason why I think being closed is the better choice, I know it‘s not intelligent to be driven by fear, instead it could give such a good upwind, and I think, normally I would tell Hannah something thought of, but at the moment my heart is running fast, not my mind. »« To write a good story you have to twist (phrasical) things, things that the reader has already in mind, I would say: maybe that‘s why my cups are falling out of the cupboard, even most of them were already on the table. 

album 3545

10.30 I felt hungover when I woke up, and all I remembered was the same thing I also had a few days ago in mind: I‘m me and I‘m here.  »Bah.« »« It‘s because of the flowers, because I know I didn‘t send them with conscience, I sent them out of desperation, because I didn‘t have the chance to go with dignity. »« With the result that I am now haunted by grief, because I think: I have not even remained faithful to Marina. »« I need to manipulate my mind, so I can leave, because this is a sinking ship. »« I need to do something with this day, or to be somebody (I don‘t know). 

14.00 I went to a flea market, searching for a chair (I didn‘t find one) and while I was walking I‘ve been listening to this album, which gave me mental space to reflect on yesterday evening. »« We talked about weakness, feminism, purity: at least, a lot. »« It doesn‘t really matter, what have been the exact positions, but over all it can be said, that it is clearly a decision, if someone wants to live insane. But also, that it‘s a choice of men to fall in love with simplicity. »«  Just now I remember: the love didn‘t like the persona of the professor, but in a comparison, the professor and me are sisters. I remember concluding the love shallow, that he can‘t distigluish. (Because, remember, also I am a lovely lady in reality.°) »« When I got back from my walk, I saw that the love had written to me, thanking me (for the flowers). The love didn‘t say much, except that no one had to apologize (with what I am not agreeing), I can be honest to you reader: I would have prefered silence. Not for much, but the fact, that the person should have known how to interpret the gesture. Because the love knows me, sure, sure... I wrote yesterday, that he will not get it, and  it‘s not been a test, but it offered a result anyway. The person decided to perform, but only for himself. »« It helps, I guess. 

16.00 Two things cross my mind: 
          1. I don‘t think it was a good idea to send flowers.
          2. I maybe will start sending flowers every friday. 

18.00 My mother called and said, the cousin is dead. »« I lived with him, as a child, now I don‘t do anymore and he doesn‘t live anymore. This is fitting cynically well to my narrative. »« I can not drink, sure, but I need to cure from dependency, because as I always say to others: Addictions kill, and regarding my age I just don‘t want to play with statistics - observing our weaknesses, even less. maybe the candy lady doesn‘t kill me because I have never been friends with her, but what if she touches me through others with her dirty white hands again.

23.00 I hanged with somebody that I would call the immature, but since she isn‘t flexible, she is just a stage. However, she introduced me to the guy who lived with 17 in North Korea, which I think is brave, even more considering that he grew up in Galazia. »« I didn‘t stay long, because everybody went drunk. »« Actually I think all of them will be unimportant for this, yet, the Italian was interesting, because he lived with aliens (same conditions/ total different outcome) »« 12,60 for ubers, 8 for food.

album 3546

07.00 Yesterday I was a good girl and in bed at midnight. I don‘t think that happened since a while (at least not on the weekend), however I wasn‘t tired enough because I paid for that sleep by feeling bad and exhausted (now).

12.30 Haven‘t left the upstairs for over 12 hours. I read Robert Louis Stevenson‘ »Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde« and want to quote two nice sentences: »It is one thing to mortify curiosity, another to conquer it.« and: »I sat in the sun on a bench; the animal within me licking the chops of memory.«°

16.00 Thinking: Nice, that Sartre was still alive when they discovered Quantum Physics. I can‘t help it, but is such a healing imagination, that a sort of essencialism gives me my drive. Nobody knows from where, but then I decide. And they are there, no question. »« Wonderful.m »« [...] »« The thing is, I‘m intellectual (there is a definition for it, so I am not saying this as a crazy lady, of course we still can discuss: maybe I‘m not intelligent, who knows, but I know how an university looks from the inside), and I‘m beginning to wonder why the question of whether this really is/was love still hasn‘t been answered, even I am craving for information. »« I‘m driven by melancholy and I don‘t like this side of me. (That‘s the same page that earlier in life wanted to see a movie to escape.) »« But now I am older, so the tendency to fearlessness: complete submission. »« Madness can‘t just be a mask. But to wear it with pride you have to have one. »« (Remember Semir Zecki and his aesthetics.) 

18.00  Showering has helped against the spiral. »« I think I have to accept it as truth (at least for now) that the love is missing from me, that I miss him, that I miss being with him, even cognitivly I should be happy he is gone. »« I hate it, when I discover a duality which is uncurable.

19.30 I was out for a walk and I thought I smelled the love (I have elaborated senses, I think that‘s the reason I am a good sex partner), I turned around; and was disappointed. From this disappointment I take my melancholy. »« I‘m meeting the caring and two friends of her, they stuff me for sure again, but inside of me it‘s getting emptier.

00.00 The boyfriend of the one without name said something that resonates in my head now: »You have to get on with your life.« »« The thing is, I do, it‘s just that I don‘t enjoy it. »« While he talked, I had a thought on drinking (or intoxication in general): it‘s not that I run out of topics when I‘m sober in a round, but I admit that I tend to get manically bored when I‘m indulging in the conversations of the inebriated without slowing down my own mind.

03.50 I hanged a swing in my house, because I need something that is just for me. Also I think: once my body gets in frequence, this is already art, and then: am I an artist? Could be... (my belly fights with stuff like that, but I didn‘t womit.)
18,75 for dinner

 

album 3547

09.30 I‘m amazed at how good my tendency to lie is and I‘m most surprised when it‘s about myself. »« The love said, I can keep his things and now I‘m sitting in my garden (in his T-shirt), saying these things, that I am even afraid to tell myself in here, the wave that I am diving in at the moment it is too private. 

11.00 I told it instead the philosopher and he said I‘m being ridiculous. That was a fit. 

12.00 I have done things that allow me to stay here. »« I remember the old love of love who left the country after the end. The love once claimed it was because of him. I don‘t think so (because I know women), however I know I would have come to the same conclusion as him, because we are both birds. 

01.15 Some things. »« Today I was at the beach - I was building a sandcastle and thinking about entropy. »« A child accompanied me, we spoke her language (a little) and again I am surprised that children enjoy my company, I always thought I would scare them with my aura. »« There, crafting in the sand with the other, I felt like a child myself, imagining the good life later.° »« After being tempted by my work I was reading »A spy in the house of love«, the internet reccommended the book to fell out of love. (I am not the most proud of this google search.) »« Later I saw a perfor-
mance with the warrior, I enjoy her eastern mind unconditionally (we saw a man showering), but instead of watching it quietly, I couldn‘t help but talk about the love there. »« I am embarrassed about this oversharing, because two strong women shouldn‘t fill an evening with something, that is out of their control, especially not when there is a man turning naked for free. »« I notice, the more I talk about the love with others, the further it moves away from me. I am not sure if I want that. I think the thought that it could break away completely at some point tears me apart as well, at least at the moment. »« The warrior payed everything.

album 3548

06.45 What if we were holy, just as the philosopher said? - Of course, just in mindland.° »« The thing is, I don‘t want to sink into complete vanity, but following this for a moment: maybe I didn‘t destroy myself, but I was deconstructed without own power. Some people would feel more confident, saying it that way, for me it is different. »« I would rather cut my finger than saying I lost control in letting things happen. »« Yet, maybe the devil is not in the mirror, but on the other side of the reflecting water and probably more powerful as expected, now that I think I am a bad human as well. »« It‘s about the movies... he watched so much movies... »« But I live the life of literature, so who am I judging? (Even it demands imagination, more, more! Fantasy is so.) »« Still, anyway, I will stay in bed, with a coffee, with »Monday or Tuesday« by Virginia Wolf. »« Assumingly that is the life of an adult.

11.00 I don‘t like the book.

13.00 With each successive moment a little bit of consciousness comes back, not just metabolically speaking, but also in real terms. »« Downside: The finger feels strange with overuse, writing is still hard for me, but it also feels like it might be coming to an end. »« Right now I am just thinking: Integrity will come back, freedom already has (the numbness stays, that‘s what the doctor said). »« What if I love myself and it just starts to falter? 

16.00 I thought about the words of yesterday‘s conversation, they echo in my head because they pose a question: is it even possible to intellectually torture someone? »« The warrior said no, she is sharp, I admire her. »« That‘s why I ask whether it shouldn‘t be assumed that in the case of offensiveness, the opponent hasn‘t used the time to date a reflection? »« The warrior said yes, maybe it is not rude to mandala the bad, just honest. I think the warrior has a point. »« [...] »« Artists [or x] live like that, but the consument normally just looks inside and get tempted, while being actually there is pressious pain for them. Because, it‘s their death, not just not their lifes. »« I observe, this window play is especially interesting to people who are confused about their own position in the field of input output, wrongly claiming them in the area of production, while consuming the informations of others, swallowing their creation, but feeling them as they are important. »« I think, artists are mocking their partners once they call them muse, because, the muses are normally little devils. »« Can be good or bad or both. »« As artist, it would also fitting me to keep loving the love just... forever, for the art, to make him my muse. »« Luckily, I am not an artist, that is what they say sometimes and in this moments the monkeys dance. »« Anyway, I couldn‘t cry like Marina in the end on the table (not even with an arrow in my cheast), I am not her and we aren‘t very similar, beside that we are angry. 

23.00 Every day I go out, meet friends, talk, and the more time passes, the more certain I am that I am right. »« With the principle of dignity, of respect, perhaps he is right after all, the philosopher, and what I live is sacred. »« 6 for 2 cokes and I guess I gave 50cent tips.

album 3549

09.00 The day begins hectic, I‘m flying to Germany, I just booked and because I am late, there wasn‘t a flight to my home town anymore, so I have to take the train afterwards. (I
hate train journeys, it‘s a bit more than four hours.) »« I pack my things, it‘s not a long stay, just a little more than two days, I take a sluggish feeling with me, it envelops my chest, my body. »« Not because I‘m personally unwell, but because I know that grief awaits me at home, I wouldn‘t share me with them, but I already know that they will divide antipathy with my presence.

12.00 The airport normally gives me a feeling of temptation, that‘s why I travelled the majority of times recently at least, for the joy of romantic°, but now it‘s like this. »« Nobody waiting for me, nobody loving me. Instead: somebody dead. 

14.00 I am back home. Not with the people who gave birth to me, not with my grandmother, not at the farm, I mean: home, in my laboratory. »« I couldn‘t, I was simply thinking: I can decide and how dare am I that I go to a space, where the end of a hole seems to lead even deeper into an escarpment (and there back to the beginning). »« I could be sad about the cousin, but then I could be also sad about the fact, that life exists, it was predictable (because he was an adict).m 

00.15 I meditated, I walked, I talked, I wrote.

00.45 The professor said: »In the end of the day everybody should give value to the own things that are well done but unrecognized«: 
          1. I could explain myself to my mother understandable.
          2. It‘s been the first day since the love has gone that I didn‘t think of him directly in the morning (I am aware that it has been because I was stressed, but whatever).
          3. I learn. »« 259 for the flights, 4,25 for coffee at the airport.

album 3550

05.45 I am motivated. 

11.00 Ja, ...maybe I am not motivated, but running. »« The days are getting easier and harder at the same time, I think it‘s the question of whether I want to detach in general or not.mm
»« They get easier because I don‘t have the voice of the love ongoingly in my head at the moment. [Beside him wispering my name.] »« They become harder because I don‘t want it to disappear completely. (I don‘t dare to hear his voice, so all the messages are on mute - I could but I won‘t).° »« It‘s the fog that is steadily diminishing, leaving things I don‘t know the answer to. »« [...]° »«
About the idea of the universe; what if I know the outcome but not the question? »« Well,
it seems easier the other way around, because the possibilities are limited, and yet, even the options are mysterious to me. »« I think, what if I wait and it turns out to be nothing? I find nothingness extremely attractive. Reader, you see my confusion. 

16.00 The painter asked if he could draw on my skin and because it was our first conversation I decided that I found it adequate, I want to give this stranger something that lasts for at least my forever, I want to give it to him, because it is my decision: for paint, for pain, for something lasting, for art. »« Because there are other things, that also stay forever, even I didn‘t decide them to be part of my body. »For Marina and the arrow.« »« I know that I crave attention. 

17.00 I put on my shoes and walk off. 

album 3551

10.25 I slept. 

11.30 Recently, or maybe just today, I think: that could be a goal. »Could be.«

12.20 It‘s been a week since I sent flowers and I won‘t send any today, neither ones in future, because (maybe luckily) I keep drifting away from the idea that this love is the love. »« I think it‘s time to admit to myself that there aren‘t many wounds that need to be licked, it‘s just the way it is now: Wounds arise and scars remain. »« I wrote it some time ago, but just now I start believing in it. »« Of course you can be bothered by their ugliness, try to transform them into beauty or conceal them at all times, but they remain there anyway. »« That doesn‘t apply to my mind. »« I think of Marina and Kurt [Schwitters], I think the two would have got on well. »« They could have given in to their madness instead of throwing themselves into an optimization frenzy. »« I was supposed to go to a party today with the love, he asked me to accompany him two days before he decided to leave me behind. We were both invited, but I stay in the laboratory.

15.00 I‘m preparing for a presentation and right now I think it‘s good for me to think of myself in the best version and not being me on a party in bad shape. »« It helps me to imagine how people are inspired by what I show them. I nearly forgot how that feels.m »« I‘m grateful that none of these people have anything to do with love. 

17.45 Positivity I observed today: the weather is bad and with that the other side of the river has disappeared. »« However, the afternoons are a bit sluggish because even the music doesn‘t outlast the silence of work, I don‘t know exactly why, I love the days as much as the nights, I work, but I‘m busy, I start a lot and finish very little. »« Basi-
cally, that‘s my strategy for whiling away the afternoon: reading a book. »Bah« I loose control (because I should work).

03.25 The evening has finished and the energy of it was surprising, the witch and me talked about it, I love the name sexatronika, I am maybe needy.  »« There, I introduced the witch to the warrior. (They seem to like each other, which is important to me.) »« After we whiled away time, the witch and me went home, maybe a bit after midnight, we cooked dinner together by candlelight, as it has been just some months earlier in her house in the south, we enjoyed a good conversation. »« We ordered ice cream, maybe because we both don‘t drink. »«  Are we artists? »« The witch laid the cards for me, I think I‘ve already noted that I‘m not inclined to the supernatural, if anything to the unseen, and yet: the same card falls into her lap, this time in combination with the rope. The rope. »« She says there are secrets, but since I‘m an open book to her, secretive open, I promise to think about it. »« What if it is related to the baby?mmm »« She says, maybe it is not just about the love, maybe it‘s the interface around. She says also, for him it doesn‘t matter, he is the devil anyways, because he‘s unfree of his own prison. »« 5 entrance to see the warrior, 6 for three water.

album 3552

10.00 Saturday rest. It‘s been a while since I‘ve started a morning so quietly (and enjoyed it), I have slept an enternity, I look good when I go down and see myself in the mirror. »« I take a picture. »« I look at the picture, I am pretty. »« I think it‘s time to move forward. »« Manifestation and theater or not, it doesn‘t suit me to bury myself, especially when nobody is watching me suffer. (Because, at least I would need an award.) »« I remember a conversation about grieving, that it‘s almost impossible to do it right, to find the right amount, it always seems too long or too short, too much or too less (...). »« In any case, it bothers me that there is so much suffering in this diary, because on the other hand I have laught so much the last weeks, I have been surrounded by so much ideas, I was enveloped by so many lovely people and the ones I was sceptical about sorted themselves out. »« [...] »« Basically, it‘s like this: no one sees when I‘m suffering, except me, and I don‘t need to put on this act for myself by any stretch of the imagination. Marina would be proud of me for this decision. 

13.00 I did sport and I had lunch, good, good. »« (No artist would do that.) »« From now on, no confusions anymore about the person that I claimed my love, either we didn‘t fit or we shouldn‘t be - otherwise one day we will, right,  but until the day that hopefully never comes my energy is so much more worth.

19.00 I spent the day preparing an application; I also worked on the Linguistic Performance, I feel it good, as either one or both or none or all would work out as I want it. »« After that I took a shower, cooked coffee and decided on »Psychology of the mass«. »« The philosopher gave it to me, back in the days, of course I lost it and still always claimed I have read it, but he‘s right, I should read it in reality. »« Maybe I meet the witch later, to go to the white house, but I am inspired and feel it more to be in the laboratory, to participate in here. 

01.00 Today could be even the Saturday I go to bed also in a good mind of time.  

03.30 Maybe not. »« I want to add, that I read since three hours stuff of Albert Einstein (which is way more interesting than »psychology of a mass«) and I admit I feel like a little child, that don‘t want to sleep yet, even she is so, so tired. »« Because, dear reader, have you thought after school ever again about E = mc2?°°° E, logically, is representing Energy (immaterial), which equals M, Mass (material), times C, Speed of light, in square proportion. Following a mathematical point it‘s only fair, let‘s say, if you can reassamble the equation from both ends.m But, how can this be, if energy can‘t be destroyed nor created? »« Good question Albert. »« If mass can release energy, energy must also have the possiblity to change in a state of mass. »« Unfortunately he was already dead when they found out that it actually works: by throwing photons at each other they create real materia, he was right. »« However. Fascinating. »« I felt with my finger that the sky is blue, and I grabbed a cloud in my hand which is such lovely knowledge. »« In Quantumphysic there is no materiality. »« Everything is energy. Even materia. »« I claimed about myself that I am a materialist (back in the days), wrongly! »Everything is connected.« [Douglas Adams]. »« I think of the galaxy, for tonight I want to be a holistic detective. »« Good night.

album 3553

06.15 A quite day after a silent one, (that‘s why three hours felt enough), this is not my life, this can not be a state for a longer while of time. »« It was, but it wasn‘t recently, however, it seems as if parts of my body have forgotten what Sunday actually can be: Freedom to create. »« But what to create if you are no artist, a poem? A text, maybe I am a writer, right?m 

09.30 Instead I layed down on the shore a big distance apart of my house, it rained a little, but then stopped. »« I did it because I‘ve read that others have problems with shame, and as I lay there I realized: I‘m probably not one of them. »« I feel like I‘ve lost time the last few weeks (because mourning is nothing effective), but as optimist I enjoy the urge it creates in my chest in return, it‘s like a pull, others would get scared but not me at the moment because stuff is filling. 

15.45 I spent the last few hours listening to music. This may sound contrary to the fact that I think I‘m wasting time and then I do nothing more than exact this nothingness and listen, but I explain it: Time is limited [determinately limited] and the fact that we don‘t know how much we have makes not just me a gambler. »« All my life any kind of illusionists surrounded me but one thing I‘ve learned from them: everything is flexible in mindland even infinite, but playing with time is a game that can never be won. »« Nobody is be superior to it, you can only submit. »« That‘s why I don‘t watch two-dimensional stuff - firstly because I can‘t become an expert on these topics anyway, secondly because I simply don‘t have the time. Tic. Tac. »« You, dear reader, are of course aware that a person can‘t do without relaxation and that‘s exactly why I chose music. »« It‘s been a while since I listened to an album with full attention. The Conet Project - Recordings of Shortwave Numbers Stations (111)  - 1995

18.00 I wrote a poem, a poem is space (just because I said it this morning). »« I like how is has to be experienced through the lab to read it, and I enjoy even more, that it is only me who knows the order. 

00.40 I‘ve been on a walk with the painter and the odd photographer, they said, they were in front of my laboratory. »« I enjoy listening to their convictions. »« »Warning, motherhood reporting«, 17 words, poem

 

album 3554

08.20 I go out and buy certain things.
          1. heliumanimals (preferably horses) 
          2. selfwalking, barking dog dolls 
          3. sand 
          4. a weight 

11.50 Surprisingly I got everything I wanted not more than 300 meters around the laboratory, after so much time living in a capital, this is still impressing me. »« Especially when you think about the fact, that it is a national holiday today. 

17.00 The dogs in the cartons walking themselves.°°

17.30 So nice. »« I don‘t want to put a good explanation for the why, beside that I argue it has something to to with the cat of Schroedinger (or more specific: art). »« Honestly, I just do it to entertain myself. »« Philosophy is the beginning and the end of sience, this is what I was thinking while I watched the dogs. Well, well.... why there are artists? Shouldn‘t they be philosophers?

00.25 I went out to play billiard with the Italian, we had dinner, I lost the game, we went home, now I go to bed and loose myself. »« 15 for three dogs, 10 for two balloons, 4,90 for the sand, 21,95 for the weight 8 for billiard, 11,30 for dinner. »« »Who put the dogs in«, installation 

album 3555

05.45 I am awake, already drank coffee, wrote a manifestation letter (I think this is the funniest project I am working on currently) and now I will take a shower. 

06.30 Today‘s plan is: 
          1. finishing the book of Peter (with this I will start in the morning while listening to today‘s music).
          2. talking to the philosopher about the other philosopher‘s philosophy. 
          3. doing some tests with projections on the ceiling (the laboratory hast a holy curve in there).

11.00 In my eyes he [Peter] is excluding too many things, in the first manner of reading I thought the problem is me, not understanding his complexity, but I now am vain enough to say, by reading it a second time, I just don‘t agree with certain things he assumes.m

14.00 People say you can overthink things and I don‘t want to deny them their thought because it‘s certainly possible at times, but I wonder how you can come up with the solutions to long questions if you don‘t have the patience to think them through. »« Because shouldn‘t it be: 
I like to paint → I am a painter.
Why am I painting? → I become a philosophrer. 
I like to investigate → I am a journalist.
Why am I a writer? → I become a philosopher. 
And so on and so well, right? »« Nothing else makes sense to me.m »«  [...] »« I remember an evening, where the person I supposedly love and I were sitting at my table - I heard the words: »But the questions you ask have no answer.« »« I remember the frustration that resonated in the voice back then and I feel how disappointed I am about the capacity still now. Because: No time to dream.

19.30 The plan is to go to a concert, after the painter was here. 

03.15 I used the evening to put on a performance in front of this stranger, I don‘t think the painter is aware, but I‘ll tell you, dear reader. »« The painter came because I needed a cable, but I know it was a pretext, the question is from whom. »« Anyway, I invited him to come to the concert, the painter stayed and wanted even in the end we didn‘t go to listen to music. »« The witch came and we did art instead (I find this statement hilarious myself, knowing full well that if we don‘t appreciate our art then no one else does either). »« Because, he is a painter, right? And therefore I am a performer, not a performance artist, not that.m »« Our way of evening leaded to the fact, that the ignoring one and her partner, the fixing, didn‘t come. »« First it made me sad, but then I remembered what I wrote about them in the book. »« They are amazing in a sense of: I could watch them until the end of my life.°  However, they don‘t fit to my way of being. »« From now on I will honor the caring one and her bodydisorder, I will weight myself three times a day and measure it with the sand I bought. »« »This is all I am and maybe I am mean«, installation

album 3556

10.00 Well, they [the ignoring/fixing ones] didn‘t come yesterday (as said), but we have an appointment for later. I‘m determined to keep to myself in this story and yet I have to say that the old person‘s fixing friend firstly has a lot of same charismatic traits as mine and secondly is a drive-driven spirit (which is perhaps similar to me as well). »« I‘m writing these lines because I‘m wondering what this friend wants here, it sounds cynical, almost ungrateful, but: when the old person wanted to change, that was the only headwind he faced, and I haven‘t forgotten that. »« I am not saying, this makes the fixing one a forever bad person, but since he is like me, he doesn‘t act without a nuance (even he is maybe not aware). »« And I know that these people are dangerous, because we are adventurous. 

12.00 I‘ve been trying mediation for a short while, I‘m hoping for some kind of enlightenment through it (no enlightment since two months). 

13.20 Today I was thinking about what it means to knowingly enter a field in which you are informally inferior. »« I want to remind you readers again about the wolf game. (The rules are superfluous to explain) but the fact is that the minority with information is always superior to the majority without. »« »Knowledge is power«, but if you play a game with a friend, it shouldn‘t be about that. Because, there is no law that forbits admitting being the searched one.

16.30 I used the time to write, but I hate all of it because it is confused, undetailed and lacking a lot of better formulations. 

23.30 Just the fixing came. »« Basically, I was sort of happy to see him, and maybe he is just too fluid, but all he said led to pain. »« He said, that he, his partner and the old person went to the white house on Saturday. It‘s not that important to describe the palace of candy lady anymore (I did with great detail already), but in that phase of life they are all in, it truly surprised me. »« Because, the ignoring one‘s brother hanged himself in a tree on her birthday. »« I don‘t know with whom he has been friends, the candy lady, sir lunacy or one of their princes, but it doesn‘t matter anyways, because the now is defined by the past, and just that. »« Maybe these people don‘t dangle yet, they are indelible close, at least metaphorically. »« The future is dedicated by the dead ones, right? Fate of tomorrow rests in the hands of those who have passed. Poor them, because I see so much sadness  in their smiles. »« With the story of the white house that he told me without asking, he made me be in peace with the fact that I stayed home the weekend and worked, yet, it led our conversation unavoidably to the point, that we talked about the person - it‘s our interface and I would be lying if I hadn‘t hoped for exactly that. »« In retrospect, I regret it, because I was once again confronted with the horizon of the old person - and apart from the freedom that everyone has deep down to judge someone else‘s life, I understood the things he said simply an insult. Because a friend should listen, flatter or just be silent, while they receive the information they are requesting, that is what I am thinking. »« What applies to the fixing, does not have to apply to me, and just because there is no universality in the subject does not mean that one of the two points of view is wrong (but also not right). Because: I am not saying, I am smarter, but that I know smarter people than all of us. »« And again: Things can be wrong, right or both at the same time. »« Later, the scenario repeated with the ignoring one. I claim having a good sense of emotions, even if philosophy says I can never know them, but I classify also this question as a sensational request. I am not mad, but I felt I should be payed. »« I answered, I write about the process of my healing, working on myself, but that I am suffering. She only replied that heartbreak is terrible for everyone. I think it‘s sad. »« Because it‘s my diary, I can openly say that I disagree with her, because not everything is the same, not everybody is universal. »« And that‘s why this evening was so draining for me that I‘m already home (with the feeling of disappointment that the fixing also pulled me into his own drive, even if only for a beer, for sensation, temptation, hedonism). »« 6,50 for a kebap menu.

album 3557

08.00 For some years in my life I‘ve been lying awake in my bed for an hour in the morning, listening to the music there, thinking about the ins and outs of myself. »« It kept me away from following those thoughts in the evening and usually that hour gave me the right drive for the day. Because: You can do everything you want, you can be everybody you can imagine, your reality is yours, not theirs. »« People said, I am insane, but honeslty I think who can handle an hour every morning with themselves can‘t actually be that much.° When I stopped doing it, my mind stopped developing. I‘ve drifted away from it almost for a year, I have to admit that there‘s been a lot of pain accumulated, and although I promised myself I‘d let the old person go, yesterday evening is like a cold breeze on the back of my neck. 

16.30 The warrior has invited me to her house for an afternoon of crafts. I think it‘s cute, so I get some croissants, strawberries and drive off. 

02.30 I met the velvet. And my eyes couldn‘t turn away from hers, they drowned, because they are so blue. »« I was surrounded by wit, beauty and flexibility of thought. »« At home I think, maybe the old person would have enjoyed the evening, precisely because it was so witty, but what I know is: the fixing character wouldn‘t have survived the time. »« I accept him (them) for that, truly, but I am not sure if this is on both sides.

album 3558

07.00 I haven‘t been drinking and yet I feel exhausted, I skip the hour of confliction because I have to work. »« In reality I skip it, because it has been so dissapointing the day before yesterday. »« I‘m giving a lecture that I had completely forgotten about until the moment I looked at my watch last night. »« However, I assume, this is the good life. 

13.00 Recently I‘ve been thinking about starting to do my own groceries shopping (I know how vain that sounds) and today will be the day I go to the supermarket again, I think, maybe it is a place to watch humans. »« I talked in the lecture about it.

14.30 Devastating results, for following reasons:
          1. It took over an hour. 
          2. My nerves are shot. 
          3. I don‘t care about slavery basically. (Sorry.°)
»« And therefore my assumption is to not repeat this. But saying more friendly thank you in future.

17.20 There is one thought that is driving me a bit crazy because a few changes have happened: I live right where the old person has to walk past if they want to go basically anywhere in the capital. »« Some weeks ago we laughted how great this fact is, him and me, it‘s now the case that I put a cap on as soon as I leave the laboratory. »« My whole body says I have no capacity to face the person. »« I shouldn‘t and I can‘t. I don‘t want to. And I won‘t. »« That‘s why, among other things, I‘ve changed my running route this week and I use the subway even less often. »« Maybe it‘s cowardly. 

19.30 The witch is coming, we‘re going to cook and then listen to music not far from my laboratory. »« 12,50 for the dinner stuff, the concert was free, because we knew somebody. »« »I have no time for pets but I care because I am a panpsychist«, installation with helium balloons.

 

album 3559

10.30 The witch persuaded me to go to the white house (after/yesterday), and because the others had just been there a week ago I let myself be persuaded. »« We stayed at the concert for a little while, wanted to talk to the magician, anyway, we didn‘t know what, we left it at the smile when we decided to leave, we had a second dinner instead. »« It was a cleansing evening, we didn‘t talk with people in the white house (I actually did this thing with the person), but with the witch I enjoy the togetherness because everything is already said and yet there is still so much more to talk about: everything ties into something, even in the white house. »« Even there we can‘t do different, than talking to each other, dreaming with the opponent. »« Nice was following: I was standing at the bar asking for a water, and when we turned away, the witch said the barman was in love. »« I want to show myself naked in front of you reader (maybe because I do not know your face nor how your achilles looks like), but: I‘m desperate for admiration, not just now, but always. »« So I went to the same bar later that evening and asked the man his name. How he is called though will be unimportant (my guts are speaking), but when I looked at him, he said that if I hadn‘t come back, he would have been very dissapointed to not see me again, so I also introduced myself, he replied that he likes my name. »« I was flattered by that. »« However, I know I‘m not emotionally available, so I said, thanks, see you next time at the white house, good night. Here, there, I don‘t know. »« I guess he was confused. »« For me it was a minute game. »« I walked home, at four, I‘ve never left the house that early. 

15.00 I‘ve had a second round of dreaming, but now I‘m awake. I‘m going for a run. »« It‘s nice how much energy there is, once you don‘t poison your body. 

17.30 Recently I had the conversation about what actually makes people rich and even if I can‘t answer that for anyone else, in my case it‘s not having to worry about activities. »« I just got a message that I have two theater tickets on deposit for tonight. I‘m going unaccompanied because I love to share some things with just myself. 

00.00 Basically I‘m a bit harsh on the cultural theater here and yet it flatters my spirit because I don‘t have a TV, so I went home tempted. »« I‘m holding on, it was a day without any work.

album 3560

08.00 I was already in bed when the  painter wrote to ask if I wanted to go out with him, the witch also called if I‘d see her, as did the Italian. »« I spent about two hours fictitiously participating in their lifes, which made me feel like I was there. That was enough for yesterday. »« No matter what, today is another Sunday. »« I think that as long as I somehow take Sundays as such as a nominal measure, the old person hasn‘t disappeared from my mind. Also, I mean, I write so much about it, it‘s embarassing. Every morning I can‘t help but think of the love, even I didn‘t want to call him anymore like this »Bah«. »« I think it‘s because the bed is now linked to something, the person. »« It annoys me that this must mean that I have to move my thinking time somewhere else, at least temporary, simply because the bed is so comfortable. »« However, as a lady of romantic, I will from now on just enjoy sitting in my yellow chair, every Sunday and every other day, arguing philosophically with myself about the inner-outer conflict. I just will, yes. Just do it.

10.00 I take a shower, maybe just because the thing in the middle of the studio is such a random object. 

16.30 I talked to the philosopher for four hours because I felt lonely in my chair, fortunately he made the same impression on me with his voice. »« Recently someone said that expression is the opposite of depression, which is simply not true, because the real antonym to expression is impression. Anyway, whether the comparison limps or not, I find it exciting to think about it. »« The philosopher and I put it in relation to expression without being seen. Because, would the fixing do things if he was the last person on earth? »« We talked about the rat fun park.°° 

19.00 I‘ve thought about the conversation and come to the conclusion: some lives are better than others, certainly not mine towards the characters of course, more someone‘s towards homelessness or starving, but it simply can‘t be possible that we‘re both on the same ground right now in terms of time invested. »« There is no reason we can agree on what the right life is, but I‘m sure there is something like a desirable inner peace, and I think this is only developed through thinking and/or feeling. »« The philosopher says that this is where the gap widens, there is the intersection that I am not a person of ten but rather of a hundred thousand. It saddens me that this realization entails that it is much easier for another person to find the same ground. »« Simply out of probability. »« And yet this conversation convinces me that it must be the case that there is room for special people and spirits like me. 

21.00 I spoke to the caring on the phone a bit, she told me about her love life and I think she‘s like the person who left me, only not as a man. Still, her love life has no place here, of course not, because it is not mine, I don‘t know why I‘m writing it down though. »« However, I call the guy the chocolate man. »« With him, she will dissapear, I am not sad about the fact, because I think we are not matching the best anyways (recently she looks more and more like my mother, it doesn‘t help).

album 3561

11.00 I‘m only getting up now because I actually have something to do. »« For the last three hours I‘ve just been lying there thinking about the things I can‘t change anyway. »« It‘s not more than entertainment because of two things: Firstly, there is basically no flexibility secondly, it is the opposite of acting - and therefore more than stupid (about day dreaming). I am so cheesy towards myself, that it nearly disgusts me.

18.00 The witch and I listened to a lecture at the university and I admit that this is not my rule behavior. »« Rather I think, I did the same with the person who left. »« We saw the painter, he was with a woman I met maybe one year ago. The woman kissed me, the painter kissed me (I am still not used to that), he smells good, I think this always when our cheeks are touching. They don‘t want to attend the lecture, in their hands they carry beer, we wish them a good afternoon - »« In any case, the artwork was questionable, the approach simple and the content over-personalized. We talked about it over coffee, then the witch and I went to a sexshop. I saw a porn that looked like Putin in young,°° the name of the porn was »Bareback beginners« - amazing. »« Later we discussed the universe and if there could be a soul (but I think it‘s the same definition dilemma as it is with conciousness), however: the witch‘s current temptation came by to pick up her sunglasses and the two of them left the laboratory together. I enjoy to see her with this beautiful woman (even I blame her, that the lady is too young). »« I said goodbye, went inside and started working. 

19.00 However, some days are hard.°

23.15 I didn‘t want to be by myself, so I met up with the Italian for coffee because there were already so many coffees that day and Marina, I still think about her, she would definitely drink coffee too. »« No tea.m »« Well, of course I asked her how the trip was, also how our common topic the pregnant one is doing (I have seen her last week on the street and mokingly I thought, probably now she lives there) but then she asked me what is going on in my life. And even we normally drink wine (on my way home I thought I never met her for a coffee) there was no hesitation to discuss the current state of my life. »« I felt understood, primary because she is also not from here secondary, since we both life here, she knows me the longest. »« I enjoy very much to talk with Italian women, they are shameless in any sense and can be outrageously rude, which I love. »« Cursed men. Cursed mama‘s sons. These dogs. »« 8,50 for the coffee (I payed for the witch), 4,50 for three espressi.

album 3562

11.30 Didn‘t feel like getting up (singing: *procrastination*.) 

12.00 I started the day by answering emails, getting things done. I notice that I haven‘t developed a routine in the laboratory but at the moment it‘s not that easy to live like an experiment. Because how to put the time, right? Right. When to end the experiment? Undefined. »« At least not on the sofa, because there is none.

14.45 I think about the fixing and the ignoring for a moment because it‘s on my lips how much I like them, but it‘s strange to describe, because I still can‘t find the nicest words in my mouth, I don‘t know how to sort this duality, but maybe it‘s the way they approach life, completely hedonistic, without expectations (and I‘m not saying that only condescendingly!). »« I think I idolize them, because they are the opposite of me, they don‘t ask questions and sometimes I feel like they have by that the easier answers.° The philosopher always says it‘s a blast to get something without demanding it and there, maybe, he is right. 

17.00 Instead of working, I talked to the witch and we gave free rein to our libido, because we are both driven. »« I am nothing more than a simple woman, following her cycle. »« I am an animal, and I love to be not more than that - there is not much to add to this (because you reader, you will imagine yourself what that means°°°). 

22.00 I admit, the preparation for the exhibition slipped out of my hands a bit, mainly due to unroutinization. »« Anyway, I‘m late now and at the same time I‘m thinking, can you be late for a DJ set at all? Is there anyone besides me who sits alone listening to a DJ set? »« I take a book with me (just in case). 

01.00 I think »Ecce homo« is an immoderate narrative by an immoderate man with immoderate intentions. (Also this I am not writing condescendingly.) »« Nietzsche polemicizes in it and proclaims his wisdom, which includes the fact that it has never been found, but must always be sought first. A beauty in Nietzsche‘s head (of course we can fight about that fact), even if it is so terribly unbearable on everybody else‘s shoulders. »« 8 euro for the concert, 3 for a coke.

album 3563

06.30 Well, at least I am able to wake up early in the morning without alarm when I really need to get going, that makes me feel peace. »« First, while cooking coffee, I have a moment for a thought: Manifestation is not something I expect to produce dust like photons, neither do I think a lottery win is at the end of every manifestation note, ignostically I would even say who knows what a true lottery win is...° »« Well, anyway, I‘m going to start an album, go with the mug in the middle of my studio and think standing up today. (It‘s due to the fact, that I investigated my ass being bumped after seated too much time.) »« This will be the topic, before I start doing real stuff. Not the ass, but the higgs quantum. 

07.45 We all live in the ignostic reality, fuck it, if we can‘t make it understandable to each other.  »« It‘s just that all the things that come to me belong to me and if I put my blinders on I can even convince myself that there‘s a meaning behind it. »« I have a drive, I just never called it manifesting, but I remember back, I must have been around the age when I started masturbating - (I write that because I remember so clearly the bed I was lying in) when I first envisioned this painting of myself.  »« However. »« When I compare my life with the picture from back then, they don‘t just look similar, they are twins. »« I‘m thinking right now: When I was in the south with the witch and the two images fell into her lap (a more precise explanation is unnecessary, but dear reader, just imagine it as you like): these were sisters too. »« I don‘t expect my life to express the way it has to be, I just always play it the way I think I already won. »« Right now I think, my body needs to be admired and therefore I should do a naked tea party. »« Also, tomorrow I will finally define an end to this mindscape of getting to know myself, including forgetting about the person, even I know, the day can‘t be defined, because I can‘t predict the future. »« Maybe one more month is appropriate. »« Otherwise my brain will melt longterm. »« And I know, I know, but: My guts is telling me the person will reach out to me, one day, that I also do not know (I know). Probably these are the same dates. »« The end of both. EVERYTHING.

album 3564

05.00 Today is the interview for the exhibition and of course I haven‘t prepared myself sufficiently. Anyway, I have in mind that I can‘t avoid mentioning Jaque Derrida, did you know that he was in the running with Elfriede Jelinek for the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2004?  »« Sorry, I was wrong, it was in 2001. »« That‘s the only thing I can think of at the moment, but not what all this has to do with my project. »« »Morgenstund hat Gold im Mund.« Apparently not mine. »«  [...].

09.45 Sometimes I think I go mad for no reason because I even had time to take a nap. 

16.00 In September my work will be on show in Paris and it will be my first time traveling to the capital. I don‘t speak French well, but I think the »Je ne sais quoi«  helped to flatter the old curator. »« She liked my work and I liked how it stimulated her. »« On occasions like this I would normally drink, instead I go for coffee with the witch and a colleague, eat cake. Well. Maybe this is just not my personality. 

18.30 The witch and I have two beamers, maybe only today, but we lay down in my bed, project our dreams onto the ceiling and then she fell asleep. »« The witch is a beautiful woman and it‘s the first time she‘s slept in my bed. »« I let her dream, I know about her night with the sculptor, I went downstairs to the laboratory and spent the afternoon defining. »« Dear reader, I have come to the following conclusion: The old person will face me at some point, it‘s easy to assume, and I‘d better work on making my mind mine until that moment. »« Cognitively I‘ve decoupled, morally I‘m still battered, but it‘s time to give space to aversion, because: 
No one who loves hurts. 
No one who loves leaves. 
No loving takes pleasure in the other‘s suffer. 

23.00 I guess hell are the others. Somebody needs to bring a bridge. I‘m (dramatically) dying. »« Let me tell you reader: The witch and I got ready, went to meet the caring one (at the white house), but in the afternoon - and it sounds like a made-up story because it‘s just such a snapshot, but, imagine: We passed the restaurants in front of my house, I heared a person say my name, turned around and saw a table full of men (okay there was one woman, but she is the twinsister of somebody). »« The people from the other side. »« I go over, stopped for a moment, say hello, I didn‘t see the old person, but an empty chair.° I shortened the conversation as much as possible, said goodbye, turned to the witch and went off. »« For a moment I hear myself saying to her: »The universe, the universe...« (Because we didn‘t encounter, if there was the old person seated.) »« We talked on our way to the caring one about the power of fantasy and imagination, about that we had the same topic some hours ago, even again it is all related to the old person again, which I hate. »« The person wasn‘t there, but an empty chair, right? Right. So also my imagination was clouding. »« However, we met the others, I went to the bar and ordered a coke and then, suddenly, the old person stood in front of me, he was just there, asked, if I was having fun. »« I am not mad for the fact, that we see in this particular house, because the person is close friends to the candy lady, but I am pissed, that he had the guts to dinner in front of my laboratory. Because, don‘t we live in a capital I am asking? »« If he came to observe me suffer, he got what he wanted. Reminding myself, this is the person who blamed me not having empathy. »« I even ask you reader, what do you think was the old persons motivation for this? Do you have any explanation? »« Let him burn, I think. »« I would have loved to have been prepared, but instead it was just a second time that all thoughts escaped me, not through my mouth but into my stomage. »« Simply, because I didn‘t know today is that today. »« Once again I just have to assume that I can never expect nothing, because I can not predict the future. »« It‘s not just time, it‘s urgent!, to work on detaching myself from this person. »« It‘s been four weeks since he left and his vanity that made me write a book about this man in the first place finally gives me the ticket for the ride of redemption. »« I think I needed this moment, to see that a child was facing me. »« 8,90 for McDonalds, 3,50 for a cappuchino, 4,50 for the coke.

album 3565

06.20 I feel relieved. 

10.00
A poem. »« 
»Ich sitze in der brennenden Kerze,  
anstatt nur davor zu stehen, 
und trotz des Lichts nur Schwärze, 
nicht ein kleiner Spalt zu gehen. 
Im Wald fällt ein Blatt vom Baum, 
es bleibt geheim trotz des Lichts, 
in mir die Wut wie Schaum, 
aber die völlige Stille des Gerichts.« 

12.00 Well, I was never a good poet. But I claim this about all rationalists. »« Today I take extra time and space for anger, sadness and shame. All the feelings are directed towards myself, not because I deserve it, but because then I can let it go. I deserve to be loved in a different sense because I am one among none, that has been my mantra in the morning.°

13.30 I felt this way weeks ago, and it hasn‘t changed much today, I stand around, I think and I talk to all my loved ones, the father of my goddaughter, the philosopher, the witch - I‘m bothered by powerlessness, and because it bothers me, I ask the painter what he‘s doing. He paints. So I read. 

17.00 Because I know the narrative I skip about 200 pages and actually just run to my favorite quote: »Whoever lies shows that he still has some sense of the truth.« [»Confessions of Felix Krull, Confidence Man« by Thomas Mann]. »« The quote reminds me of my situation.

19.00 I just think: with the person‘s departure, all untruths and bad habits have disappeared as well.  »« No drinking, no fighting, no drugs (even I still have a lot at home). The drugs I miss the less, drinking the most. It‘s a pity, because high I am a nice person, drunken I can be a preditor.

19.40 I spent the rest of the afternoon working on my application for a doctorate in philosophy, I am aware that I do not have a classical career, but that I will soon have three masters with me. »« A simple-minded person would consider it an imposture, but out of deep sadness I am convinced that a character like me is a great added value in the circle of thinkers. 

20.00 The doorbell has rung, the painter is at the gate, I‘ve seen him on the little camera and he looks beautiful in his beige suit, it flatters his dark skin, I‘m surprised he‘s here. In his hand he had a flower. 

23.30 He just rose recently in my field of vision, but I can see, he is falling in love. 

03:20 I wanted to have just a cigarette outside, so I decided to visit the witch in the bar, but instead of short term I stayed a while, met lovely people. I told them about my broken heart and they invited me to their concert on friday.

album 3566

08.30 Before falling asleep, I had a wonderful orgasm. »« Still, now it‘s a new day, again, and the memory of the »me« is there, of course. »« I don‘t feel like reliving this day, even though I can‘t quite put into words why, there are things to do, people to see. »« Anyway, it‘s the parade, so I‘m going to take a shower, because today I‘m a lesbian. 

14.30 The last hour I‘ve been thinking about remembering (itself), because I‘ve read so much in the last month and forgotten so much more. »« I don‘t think the igonring one was right she is just ignorant, not more. »« My task is just that, even if it doesn‘t have to apply to others, much more: it feels like a proof of life to me. »« So I would like to make a few more confessions: 
1. I am a coward, examples: I have never ridden a roller coaster and cried when I climbed a tree once while I didn‘t dare to come down again. 
2. I have terrible taste in music, which I realize every time I invite people over. 
3. My favorite youtube video is of a deer tripping down a slide to the music of Phil Collins. 
4. I am a psychopath, but I have so many feelings.

06.15 The witch and I didn‘t feel lesbian enough for the parade, so we had dinner instead and then went to the bar. »« I always imagined one day having a friend who owned one. I didn‘t expect it to be runned by a woman, which made me think I am a chovinist, and also I think it is a pity, because I don‘t drink. »« When we left the bar at three o‘clock, we just wanted to go to the laboratory, change, we had the black congress in mind. »« I went into the kitchen, saw a cack and the witch called her father, he came, and set traps. To shorten it: The witch‘s father taped cheese to the side of my toilet to catch the cockroach (she hasn‘t reappeared even now by the way), I asked if this was a tactic from Cape Town, he said yes. »« Afterwards the father found the hate object of my study (the chirstmas guitar) and asked if he and the witch could play me a few songs. I took a seat on the table because I currently only have two chairs and listened. »« I almost cried when I saw the witch learning things from her father.°° »« Before they went home he said he can be my father too. »« We didn‘t go to the congress, instead we stayed in the laboratory and produced memories. »« I enjoyed that we all played frissbee, and I want to note that this is only possible because the lab is empty. »« 6,50 for a kebap menu. 

album 3567

13.00 Yesterday was a long day, which actually contradicts all my principles in depth. (Because it can not even be a microsecond longer than all the other days.) »« I still woke up with a feeling of inner peace that I can‘t quite describe. »« My head hurts a little, I think it‘s because of the little sleep, I‘m going to take a shower.  

16.30 I went to the museum to see art that I‘ve already seen, but I thought it was the time when old things should be looked at anew, so I went there. »« My body needed exercise and my mind stimulation, I got both and now I‘m going to work.m 

18.45 The truth is that it is not possible to define the perfect life, at least not in the basics. »« I think about beauty, about how easily blinded I could become because I surrendered to absolute aesthetics, at the moment this is problematic for me in two respects: 
            1. Beauty, in the classical sense, was not a task for me until these days and now it is one that has been thrown with dirt even it is brandnew to me.
          2. I can‘t imagine getting rid of the expectation of beauty that now are freshly grown in my head. Because: they are there.° When I think of my own »beauty«, it is not worth describing it visually because my appearance only feeds a stereotype, but I have always been proud to think that what is inside me makes me beautiful. »« Reflecting on the events of the last month, I admit that this question now makes me waver, because did I? I don‘t think so.. »« I try to find some answers, read »Beauty: A Very Short Introduction (Very Short Introductions)« by Roger Scruton. I want to think about following sentence: »Beauty speaks to us directly like the voice of an intimate friend.« 

20.10 I couldn‘t stand my mind (because sometimes it just runs out of control and bla bla (bla), so I went for a walk. On the way I bought myself a red dress, a thing that doesn‘t really suit me (the shopping, the outfit). 

23.30 However, I felt myself so pretty, that I decided it would be wasted time to not go out. So I went to see a performance, with a lot of sky-fi stuff, but I enjoyed it, because I think this is going to be the future anyways (so better I get used to it). »« I saw the magician, I didn‘t speak with him, yet, on my way home I thought, recently I see this face quite often, but maybe he also saw mine. 

00.15 Honestly, it seems logical to me that there is a backwards running time to the forward running one in reverse, I‘m not saying that, some scientist is.°°° 

 

album 3568

07.10 This morning I started with listening not to an album, but a frequence [528 hz]. Sometimes this helps me to give my mind a wider leash. »« And also sometimes I think, I should give up smoking. 

10.20 In order to give my conscience a way out that doesn‘t end in banning cigarettes, I‘ve been running. »« I don‘t hate Mondays because I always have them off (just like Tuesday and Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday), but today I still hate this particular day. Maybe, just because I want. 

13.00 I think, I should go on a real date with somebody and since it might be not the magician (primarly from the fact, that we do not know eachother and I would never have the guts to ask him out), I need to find somebody else, that could tempt me.

15.00 The witch called and said there‘s a theater by her father, or his choir, or whatever, in the nothing.
So I go take a shower and get dressed. »« It‘s not really true that I get only ready because of that, before, I was standing in front of my mirror and threw manifestations in my face, but I wasn‘t convinced of them, I wasn‘t showered, didn‘t look the best. (This is my peacock side, for sure.) »« We could question, what was first.

03.15 Well, I can only note that the twin of the witch will be called just that, he is remembering me of somthing else but the witch, even I can‘t name what it is. (Maybe later.) »« By any meaning, I was not surprised how the father lives (we brought him his instruments). The studio has selfcrafted stairs, no real windows (but openings) and a birdhouse inside. »« People always think, Germany is different, but I remember the construction of a family which lived in four houses at the same time, while the toilet was on another property, as was the bathtub. »« It is cold in Germany. »« I don‘t know why exactly this family appears in my head now or moreover why I feel such an urgent need to write it down, I go to google and check what the daughter is doing (living in nature in a tent, not surprising). 

05.15 I don‘t remember coming home and going to bed kind of directly, instead, I always while away time, which in the end, like now, I already know it will be missing tomorrow. I can‘t help it, I love it. »« However, as said on the very first day, the night is the day for intellectual woman, it‘s the time the baby (husband) is sleeping, as well as all the expectations patriachy has towards the other gender. It‘s been another long day, with intense conversations, singing, friends, the witch... »« Before I go to bed I have a thought: I guess, finally I understood the idea of a statistically existing multiverse. It‘s probably even evolution, but at least, a possibility, and what if physical laws are different, there, where we don‘tknow. »« Because: 
        1. We know things we know 
        2. We know things we don‘t know and 
        3. We don‘t know which things we don‘t know° - 

06.00 I need to stop counting days (because somehow I even do it on the wall with little papers, counting weeks) but I assume it so hard, because a diary is basically not more than that. »« Between the time there is just not more than some words filling gabs.

album 3568

10.25 The question is: for whom do we produce the things we make? »« A train of thought in relation to the four levels of reality: The cat is in the box and either dead or alive (actually the observer just doesn‘t care because [s]he is outside) but let‘s say [s]he is a good person, someone who cares about the cat right?, well, [s]he finds out: the cat is dead. Who killes it? Did [s]he kill it?°°  »« The question is not what happens to the moon when it disappears behind a cloud, rather I find the question interesting, if everything only exists because it is observed, for whom do we do our dances? »« Is it really the case, that we make art for other people or are we not actually hoping to create an infinity with what we produce? »« However, be careful reader, there is nothing that wasn‘t always infinite and eventually became so.  Either it was always infinite or it wasn‘t. Simply like that. »« Not even Michael Jackson can change that. 

13.00 I took a blanket and sat down on the shore, where I listened to the physicist I know from the old university, compared it with the book that is still up to my neck and asked myself, how can T not be zero? »« How can the big bang not be more than a zero with fifty decimal places, but then a five? I mean, I understand why it can be that, it simply just doesn‘t satisfy me. Not even the universe can start and then turn infinite, no galaxy, no Jackson. »« Maybe, if we ask very silent, there is something observing us, being entertained, maybe the mind is the key, but maybe I also just don‘t know when I will die. But it fits this ideologies of the guy Greene (which must be insane also).

16.00 The witch and her temptation are here, I cooked for them, ensnared her, then the caring came and we also went out to eat, I see a repeating pattern of »taking care of each other«. 

22.00 They both left, the witch, the one who takes care of me, I‘m at home and I should be working, but I‘m so tired. »« I‘m driven by a thought about the life of the caring one: who accepts x when they don‘t really want it, and even more importantly: who keeps going while the partner puts their own needs above them? »« Why they in reverse don‘t stop, when they see their partner isn‘t enjoying? »« I‘m beginning to wonder if I‘m really the one who has to overthink them when there are women who choose such a life for themselves and are convinced that it‘s not the patriachy. »« I didn‘t want to make her angry, but it upset her when I said that a sex life like hers was not what I wanted (especially not for my daughter, I didn‘t say that). »« She defended that her own reference is just that and I thought: and mine is to be objectified by the subject of supposed love.Touché. »« If I blame her for choosing this life, then what do I have?°

album 3569

07.00 Another day, that I just took off. I think, all my holidays will slip alway with this silly behaviour (but: what do they want with me right now). »« At least, I have the time to go to the beach and luckily it is the perfect weather for that. »« I will pass the shore also today, luckily, the sky doesn‘t allow to look far. But also if, I just would close my eyes and I tell you there I have no visions, I can‘t be an artist, couldn‘t be. »« »Because I am no one, I have never been.« »« I am not bad because I do only good. »« But still, I can‘t hide, deep down all I attract is a dancing devil. »« And dear reader, it is not an old lady suffering in doors. Not at all. »Because I am an actist.«

16.30 On the train I thought: basically it‘s just more exciting to observe other people and write about them, simply due to the fact that you can misinterpret with endless fantasy their decisions and what if they keep going in doing own choices, without being chained to own shame, it‘s not that I‘m running out of stories about myself (especially not in the sector of „questionability“) but the vocabulary I can use is limited, because the human in the mirror would not forgive everything.°

19.00 I started to paint, the face looks like the magician (maybe because it is the only one I accpet crossing my mind recently) next to him I paint a woman, that was supposed to be a happy company to the magic. »« Unfortunately, I lost the mood when I painted her, so I will give the painting a christian name instead, just for the sake of her face. »« Something like »epidermic evangelist exorcism« ...or whatever. 

00.40 The witch and me went to a concert by one of my favorit musicians and now it‘s not one of my favorites anymore.m We nearly fell asleep. »« 6,50 for the pizza, the witch payed the concert.

album 3570

05:45 Yesterday she sang »another day, another mixtape« and also like in the recording I keep understanding »another mistake«  - every time [...] my thoughts play tricks on me. »« Days pass so meaninglessly if you are not completely happy. »« May it be that »black contains white, life implies death«, melancholy is still the enemy of every human being. »« Just now I am thinking: what other mamals suffer from sadness of mourning?°°

11.00 I‘m distracting myself with architecture, recently [since today] I‘ve been feeling an upswing, mainly because I got a pay rise. »« (Maybe these are the first fruits of manifestation, at least that‘s what the witch would say.) 

17.00 While I was working I listened to »Momo« by Michael Ende, it‘s my favorite children‘s book, but because I‘m working, I just listen to it. »« I think about what happens to me when I go back to »Momo«, my perception towards the meaning of it changes from every time I am indulging to the story. »« Yet, in the outcome, I usually just do the same thing over and over again, I dress like a gypsy for a little while, I would say in honor of the references (or the grandmother). 

18.00 The philosopher doesn‘t pick up the phone. »« I was working on the diploma (the mourning christian couple on my canvas is getting more red) while the sentence of the little girl reflects in my ears: »There is one peculiar quality about time: it is a gift you are given once and can never get back. You can only use it wisely or waste it.« 

23.00 The warrior and I went for a walk, talked, sat in the pattio not far from here, ate nuts. Actually we wanted to see a performance (the painter recommended it) and we have been there, but it was simply too hot inside. So we asked a reservation for Saturday instead. »« Only yesterday I read that I will soon have spicy food cravings and surprisingly it was already today. (Such a silly note.) »« My mother would say, life changes. 

02.20 Fear is a disgusting companion because it never helps much but always creates a lot of damage: it clouds my mind and makes me dance on the spot, I can‘t free myself from the idea I give to it, to the death, and I do all this in my lifetime because once you flip the coin there is no coming back. »« 7,50 for a drink and a coke, nuts.

album 3571

06.00 If there was one thing I could do and it would have no consequences, it would be dying.°°° »« Instead, if there was one thing I could do because it is in my power, it would be to call the person who left my love again with all my heart, with all the consequences that go hand in hand with it. »« I am ashamed of the sentimentalism. »« I prefer to think about dying, about why we are afraid of death. (That is probably why I think about the person, because he is so afraid of it that it breaks my heart, because I tell you: he didn‘t elaborate on what he actually fears.) »« Dear reader, I always understood his apprehension to the marrow of my structure (I felt it), I just live it differently (I write it), but I, too, am afraid by the moment of being forgotten, I, too, try
to ascend to infinity, knowing full well that it is impossible. »« I have just never defined the moment of dying as a fearing sequence, which does not mean that I am not infinitely afraid of oblivion.

11.20 That have been heavy thoughts for a morning, so I went outside to grab a coffee, to read a bit. »« It is raining, but warm, sitting in the café I drew a painting, but then remembered what I think of people drawing in cafés. »« I don‘t know why actually it bothers me, but I claim they just can not be real artists. »« However. »« So I go back to reading, »Astrophysics for People in a Hurry« by Neil deGrasse, and I guess recently I chose many books for their titles. »« Something stupid: as a minimalist I don‘t buy books and once I want to read outside it mainly happens in a selfsent pdf-file which I downloaded somewhere in the internet and read on the phone, I know (I know), this is claimed the opposite of enjoyment. »« In this sense I feel like a sloth, without any ability to bring up motivation to change. (Sometimes I am at least smart enough to bring my laptop, but I admit, it doesn‘t happen often). 

15:00 Although I‘m an anarchist, I believe it is worth it to rob the goverment its education.

18.20 I‘m taking a shower because the painter is picking me up and we‘re going to see his friend‘s art, it‘s a champagne opening and I am pitying myself a bit.

06.15 So many things happened. We saw art, had dinner, a woman said: be careful with men like that (I know men like that) but still, I like, when women are honest and I guess I found a new friend, she looks interesting. The painter though....So, how we ended up there, doesn‘t really matter (because it isn‘t something I want to put in my memory), but since I have no furniture we sat on my floor, shared a cigarette, there were flowers. »« [...] »« He kissed me without asking. I didn‘t let him. »« He said behavior like mine is rare and it upsets me because you and I dear reader we know that the antonym of rarity is vulgarity (and that is how he acted, in my little heaven in which I invited him). »« Well, some men are not men but bulls, I think it must be nearly called sartire, and yet it has to be accepted as reality. »« I didn‘t explain myself much to him, and when he said he appreciated people who put so much emotional value in a kiss, I let him believe that, ordered an Uber and sent him home. »« Should I have emotions towards that for sure not these ones. »« I put him in the cab like a baby, then I went to the witch and her father, he gave me his fries and his ear while I complained about the evening. »« The thing is: the painter had asked me, what it was that I invite him to my life, and I gave him a sequence of mine to enter my mind, because I like my own enigma. Instead of being there, humble, he came with a knife and just put it down, for himself, like the person. »« The sentence echoes in my head: »It‘s the things you say when you don‘t speak that attract me« and nothing could offend me more, when I‘ve been formulating myself transparently for hours. The painter said I was trying to impress him with the flowers, the carpet, and it‘s the crone on top of his behavior, because, he rightly investigated the romantic in my being, but he thought it is for him, and this is the weakest about men. »« What else to think of this self-absorption, because what if it‘s my life (and cynically saying, pitty you, that it is not yours)? However, I will forgive him that shot, simply because the people that surround him will be important for the witch and me, not now, but in future. I can exclude it, but I will not forget it. Dosdojevski wouldn‘t forgive, because even the madman would say, it‘s been a shame. »« 17,30 for the dinner. 

album 3572

19.30 I‘m not proud of that because I had heart palpitations for about the fucking whole time. »« I think today marks a low point of distress. »« I will eat with the caring one, but I will have a hard time listening to her. »« I cancelled the performance, because I saw a video of it and the person danced there. How is this even possible? I have no answer to the why, and I am stressed, that this reached me, because there was actually just such a little possibility for me to see this screen instead of just going (I never do research because I don‘t want to be influenced, but the witch deleted her presence, so I had to send her something, that makes her interested, whatever, it doesn‘t matter, it doesn‘t matter...) »« 5,50 for the sculptor‘s beer. Entrance and the ride was for free. 

album 3573

08.00 I just came home. I was in the black congress (with the witch and the sculptor, at least in their love life this person marks a turning point) but whatever: there, and with them in particular,m I managed to free myelf even I didn‘t met me yet. Just....sober, without alcohol, without drugs. »«  Instead of loosing sight I watched and thought maybe a low point is always a high point also. »« In the congress I saw the performance artist, I smiled at her and it doesn‘t exit my mind that I might know her from something, however, it didn‘t make her smile back, even she recognized me. »« It‘s strange soberness: I had a sleep break until about half past one in the night yesterday, then I got the witch at two and a half (everything as it should be), but now I‘m filled with energy. That‘s why I decide against sleeping and head into the forest instead. 

15.30 not saying it has been a bad idea but I need to sleep. 

04.50 The witch came over, we ate, talked, said goodbye to her temptation (I guess that‘s the reason why she is still here), the witch fell asleep next to me while I read her from my diary, before we met to put the cards, to say goodbye to her temptation, in the end we put up the table, had dinner, but without the other. The witch and the cards say, I need  to bury something, and of course, even I dont lean to supersticion as you remember, I know exactly what it is. »« Especially because of this particular card she took I am fighting supersticion and for this I decide to extra not accept the putting.m »« I can be so childish, but all I want is to be babied (not mansplained). »« 28 for dinner. »« »I stopped missing my partner (not really)«, object, glass and 15,4 candles.

album 3574

10:00 I forgot a meeting.

13:40 The witch and I discussed our [my] utopia, I am missing words, but I have it with me since years. And it seems to me like I could convince her. It‘s not, that I don‘t want to participate in the art scene around (no, well actually it is the problem) but in general I feel it stuck, because: look at the artists, all the same, all without change, nobody with a certain urge. Beside everything there is not enough space. The witch and I have a weapon: we are invisible until today. And we have space.° And we are *specific*.

18.20 I spent the afternoon at the ignoring and fixing character‘s house to wash my bed sheets. The fixing took care of it, we had lunch, we talked. Not about the person, but I understood: their plan was the congress as well, for sure not to see me, but maybe somebody else. »« [...] »« Luckily, the ignoring one is too frightened. (I guess it is her way of dealing with death, in the old book I described her different, yet, it‘s not her reality anymore, even she still lives in it.) Cynically I think: if she stays close to the candy lady it‘s a question of time until she will fell in love again.

01.40 I am reading »The Unabridged Journals« of Sylvia Plath, and I think: this is such boring shit what I am writing about, her life isn‘t interesting either, but her language. 

album 3575

13.45 I sleep and sleep and think, this is an expensive life. Never in my being I needed so much rest as recently. Lavish, exorbitant... this is so nothing I can afford.

21.20 I worked, to pet my mind. 

23.15 The philosopher called, he finished his thoughts about expression. I listened to him, but before I write it down, I want to think about it.

album 3576

05:30 Actually, nothing influences me
but myself, that‘s what I think. While everything is influental, right? Give the mad mommy sugar, that‘s what they‘re shouting there in the middle of the country, don‘t they? They do, maybe you just don‘t hear it. (Idiot.) »« Well, let him do what he can‘t help doing, the man from the past, because I can‘t help doing either, I want to experiment. »« I want to dance with the hell until I fall from the bridge, that‘s what I am thinking. »« [Some time later.] I recognize the moments in me where I smile manically at myself and this is one of them, but fuck it, I don‘t care. »« So I‘ll go out and ask people if they want to hurt my body. That is the weakest thing I can think of at the moment, therefore the choice. I don‘t want to, but that‘s the line of shame, right? Right. Let‘s investigate. (For the devil.)

14.20 There are the crazy days (not observably but in my mind), like today, where I understand that it‘s not easy to be with me when you‘re not on the cusp of insanity yourself. Because: just say a word and I‘ll set you on fire. Be a psychopath, give it all the space my dear, but don‘t be stupid and tell somebody. »Bah.«

14.30 The other day the painter said I‘m wearing a protective mask, »bla bla (bla)«, and let him say what he wants, inside he thinks he‘d like to have one like mine.

16.00 I think I just had to run. I used to manage ten kilometers in less than an hour, but right now with my wooden leg I‘m hardly faster than walking. Run little baby, run...

22.00 The Italian and I had coffee (again), I can tell she doesn‘t want it, she prefers beer, wine (anything), we stick to coffee anyway and inside I thank her for not breaking away from me. »« However, the witch has moved, into my radius, and because she‘s here now, I go to her. »« It‘s interesting because I don‘t love her romantically and yet I miss this being every second she‘s not with me. »« I write that, knowing fully well, she is my replacement for boredom. »« Before you start to scream: I would love to share everything I own with her. And I think: I never wanted to share certain things with the other, because she is my future. Eventually. »« 21 for fiters, papers, coffee and coke.

album 3577

06.45 I have to work but I slept only three hours, my eyes are burning and when I woke up, I thought, I am going to die (dramatic). Because: »Bah.« (Things I don‘t like to do.) I guess, once I enter the PhD I will talk to nobody anymore. For three years. It‘s decided.

10.20 Maybe I just had to wake up in a better manner. Life is postponed, right? Right. Well. Let me see the outside to decide if this is a good day. I‘ll go and visit the witch, she doesn‘t know how good and bad it will be for her living close to the lab.

15.25 Can‘t complain actually, because today I feel agressive. You might say it‘s not a good notion, being like that but I dissagree and that is the most important. »« At the moment I am thinking about the following: if someone cannot help because [s]he does not have the capacity and does not want to help because [s]he is driven by jealousy, where do they get their vanity from? Isn‘t it much more the case that the poor person is actually the one who simply can‘t listen? Well, might be. But who is hearing what I am writing. »Bla bla (bla)«

17.10 I will ask the magician (or another pretty musician) to accompany my own torture of pain with doing the sound to what I feel (when I touch an electric string) by watching me. I guess this kind of admiration I want, I think this kind of devastation the others need. Ya, ya...... the witch called me in the beginning »the crazy elegant lady« but first she got then to know me better and second I always said it‘s just the intoxication. I am not sure anymore, because the light of Ragnar Kjartansson I destroyed sober (he liked it though, the president was there also! Well, who cares). 

02.50 I was on the beach with the warrior and there were eleven women waiting for us, I faced them as if they were my disciples and because I was so tempted by the picture I got I introduced myself to the latvian beauty (because of her everybody was there) and the sexantronica. (The velvet came also.) The sexatronica and her girlfriend followed me into my lab at the end of the afternoon. »« (I am not saying, that I am jesus, but jesus, imagine what if I turn out as the lunatic?) »« They were asking: Why that person? And I said: because he is so so beautiful (his visual aesthetic). I thought: I am an artist and the one who is free of guilt eventually raises the arm, take your arm stranger, before someobe bites it. »« As artists, they can understand. »« As a first evening conversation I think when they are gone, it wasn‘t the right topic, but I am transparent and they looked inside of me anyways. »« Something else: I appreciate the warrior‘s inconspicuousness, it‘s not that she‘s quiet, neither she radiates urge, but then she opens her mouth I listen to the sound of her voice, and the melody of it is so powerful, that I can only imagine her fight.°° »« There is something, that I find clear: once you are surrounded by interessting people that are craving for your attention, there must be a temptation, the warrior offers this, I see it because of the others. (Sartre would love that.) »« I think she was a very good find in my zoo. »« I decided, these women will experience my complete subservience. Not because I have enough of men, instead I have not enough fairies in my life. »«  We made a deal (the sexatronica and me): the next flyers and posters will be printed on my papers. Maybe I‘ll explain at some point what it is about, right now I‘m tired of it though (because it is a Linguistic Performance and I think in/ about it already a lot), anyway, before I go to bed I think of the eleven women, there was a moment when they were all listening to me. Eleven intelligent people eavesdropping what I had to say. »« I called the witch for a report and now it‘s already late again, tic tac.

 

album 3578

06.45 Some nights are so short that they glimmer and furr my mind, like yesterday or today, sure, sure, it can‘t be healthy but there is a saying: better rings under the eyes than no jewerly at all. »« I remember my promise: ten hours of sleep, and even though just a few days ago I thought I would stay in hibernation forever, I think it was just the hormones, because today, today, nothing can stop me, even if my eyes are still closed. »« »Time goes by«, that‘s what she is sinning, Madonna in the background soundtrack of my life.

» I   f e e l   s o   l i g h t «

One day I can fly, I can be an artist.° »« »Just pretend to.« »« »Might be.« Because I am floating already, because I am knowing, the only next step I have is the novel price. I don‘t know for what, but let‘s see! Let‘s see... you can laugh, because I do it also (it‘s a gift, not a burden), let‘s fly in the ocean. »« There is still so much time... »« »so slowley«, mmm Madonna, Caravaggio would have loved you.

04.50 The thing is, every night is over at some point, even the ones that claim to be infinite. It doesn‘t matter if you push the end away with your hands, it still comes crawling and no one has legs long enough to run away from it, so today we decided to deal it adult. No drinks, being home at three (and I was in the lab at 03.20!), I just used the time to sing (I am embarrassed, because as so often, I listened the recording and there is just nothing to be proud of, whatever, it is what it stays). »« Back to subject: the nice thing is, the end of amnesia is not death, but the day. And you can achieve things until you forget, somehow I like to go home early from a night out, to be the aknowledged one, but then I am home (in the lab) and I am bored also. »« Not bored, maybe too exited to simply go to sleep. »« There were such beautiful [wo]men.... »« I wanted to roll a joint, a man asked me if he could help, I liked his painted hair because I thought it is outdated (but I mean don‘t we all live a bit in 2015?), he said his name but I can only remember thinking that he reminds me of a chipmunk. »« Only the day before, the sexatronic spoke about him in my house. I guess at the moment not just all humans are paths, however I assume running them along as they would be endless, I am not on a walk, no... »« Yesterday I heard the first time about the most of these people and today they are already searching for me (and I am already waiting with an open mouth). »« Well, I‘m in the laboratory now and I‘d like to write that the tinitus is missing when I‘m sober, but so is the tiredness. »« Something stays in my memory that is due to the old characters, because tonight there was this interface (a guy that stole one time my frisbee), and also the fixing one came -- anyway, the witch asked for a charger, because she is the only one with something to do tomorrow (today, later), and the guy replied, he will take care of it, but first he will take a line. I found this not only ridiculous, instead I could write a whole book just about that, but also: what do I care, right? I am a passant. I did it already and I won‘t repeat.

album 3579

10.45 Life, thesis III, what if I talk in my own language? For sure I am not the first one. Could be the final call to crazyness also. »Higro, jem nutra baerftie nossta.« Well, thank you Hugo for the contribution in my head (he never said that). I guess, indeed, I am not normal. »« I forgot how much I love this fact about myself. »« Since the fixing one was there yesterday without his partner, without fun (but also without the person, luckily) I thought: how sad, that my face is kissed by all the people and he is standing drinking in the corner, not because nobody loves him, because he can not give it a drive, if he‘s not watering his bleed. »« About the person: I just heard from a colleague, he was in my universtiy, I think it‘s getting ridiculous, primarly because what the fuck (move on, baby, not just from me, also from studying.) »« Well, somehow this morning the velvet stayed in my head. She is engaging with the chipmunk, I enjoy that information (maybe they can adopt me), because the velvet is also married to an Italian (conciously, for the papers) and there is apparently one more, that so far is invisible. »« Narratives are written like that, right? Right.

15.00 I worked a bit for thesis I, now I meet her (I invited, because the painter does an opening), after I wrote I couldn‘t stop thinking (about the velvet ideas), we meet there, with each our little bags of knowledge. »« Again: I shouldn‘t complain, because thesis III is actually beautiful, there are so many energetic things around me, I don‘t want to sound like a horoscope, but inside of me I am thinking: thanks to me, that I take care of my life. »« »I might be an artist and to my left and right side are the velvet and the warrior.« »« Just today. »« The witch, what about the witch? 

06.00 It‘s early, it‘s late, this time it‘s both. »« The world and the coincidences, right? Right. Well, I was looking for a chair and I found a sculptor, I gave him clay and he had already prepared everything, not just matter and water. »« But from the beginning: I was at the exhibition with the two weapons, we hardly spoke to the painter (he was too selfobserved, but I give him a point, he contributed to the exhibition, so I guess it‘s fine), and yet today I wasn‘t a feminist for a second, not a lesbian for a minute. I gave all my eyes to the chair, split up in front of him for him, the closer circumstances are casual, but we picked up the witch in the bar, actually for strogonoff, he thought it was a joke (and they didn‘t have it tonight either). »« The witch said we should introduce him to the lab, so we drove to my place. »« It was so nice to go for such a long walk with someone and I enjoyed that it hasn‘t been my idea, even it was four. »« What are my demands?
          1. do they think?
          2. do they shape?
          3. do they enjoy?

              D o   t h e y   h a v e   m o r a l s ?

It‘s quite clear that a car is not bought without a test drive. »« The chair can shape and perhaps think, so far as my investigations goes, but: how stupid would I be to write a book about a man, right? Right. »« I would be such a silly little girl.° »« At the opening was a drawing of hello kitty, which got introduced to me as her identical twin mitty, that by chance looks without colors exactly like her sister, they tell me, that drove her into an identity crisis - I don‘t know if this is also obvious to you, but why her name isn‘t pitty? Artists nowadays... »« 7,60 for dinner (artists are so cheap).

album 3580

10.00 »Flower Duett by Maria Callas«
Am I living too fast or is time just running? »« I count since 3580 days, today is the 7th of July 2024. »«  If I would turn 98, this are ten percent. Let‘s extract: 98 we say, right? Let‘s forget the first 10, they were nice, but without exfluence (beside parent temptation). »« What about the teenage years? Important, but later! Well, another eight years adieu [...], without children, without job, without worries, life becomes uncomfortable after being 65, depending on the hobbies (and mine is drinking): so off another 33 years. That equals 48 years of quality time. »« Doubled. »« It gives me sort of peace, now that I think about it, everything in control, mothership reporting (song). »« But also, shit, I mean 1/5? No, actually that‘s fucked up. »« Tic Tac.

00.30 I did nothing else than writing, in a book, to a friend, to the sexatronica, to the warrior, I wrote and wrote and somehow I am not more intelligent than this morning, so, maybe a lost day, maybe because if the thoughts, the little sleep, I should take better care of that (the ten hours thing). »« Something strange is in my belly: I think the person had a date yesterday, even there is exact no information towards that. I just feel it inside of me. »« I don‘t know why, but I am surprised that this thought is not doing as much as expected with me (so I think maybe with the feeling my intuition is training me for the real case) at the moment I am again conceited enough to think: nothing is as good as me (at least not in my reality, right?), and for now this is the best garden I can spend the summer in.

album 3581

05.45 First thing in the morning: something disturbs me - the new week. And here‘s why: the start! Well, the witch, the warrior and I were at a party, on Friday, not yesterday, it was on the other side in a ruin (but not the one I was already in!) and when we arrived I thought: the others are already there. »« But metabolic. »« And no one is talking to each other. »« I think that automatically doubles the risk of death. »« Well, where I come from, we celebrate the entrance. We greet each other, we decorate ourselves, we recognize us as characters, soberly.° And then we all enter the dance of the night at the same time and all together, I think there‘s something wonderful in that, I assume I am missing something. 

12.15 Fine, but it‘s not Friday and there‘s no party to be expected.m »« I don‘t know why it‘s so itchy to write it down, but I‘m sure the person had sex while we were sitting in my laboratory on Saturday. I trust my gut feeling and I have no real information, as already written yesterday. I, on the other hand, can‘t imagine letting anyone into my bed, it‘s due to him, but not as a romantic, as a lunatic, he made it sure and over time it makes me angrier and angrier.

17.00 I probably just had to act (I think that surprisingly often), because there are things I can‘t change, even it is maybe just not now. So I accept that I hate my fragility. »« I went out, drew a circle on the floor and everyone who entered it got the information from me that I have a broken heart (I was impressed by how many people feel like me and I want to write: it seems far easier to show a stranger the fragments of your shattered life). »« Well, if Marina had been standing in the circle, without question, she would have come with the onion. »« I think: Tic Tac. »« Better I go out and search for the swedish. 

02.50 Just now I said goodbye to the witch, it‘s late, and in the dark of the night we held hands because others don‘t protect us. »« With some people it‘s so easy to be close, to be appreciated, and with others it‘s like being at war. That makes me think. »« I met the swedish in a park and there was a beautiful man sitting under the trees, I noticed him while I was waiting and it turned out when she arrived that they knew each other. »« Unfortunately we didn‘t share company for long, the handsome one was replaced by a statistician (no joke), an Italian with reddish-blond afro hair. »« Well, I didn‘t stay long either, because I urged the witch to meet me. 

03.30 I accuse art of being narrow-minded and usually say: »look at the way they dress.« »« But then I write this diary and think how repeatable I am myself. Insular and addicted to the outside. »« Some people would say: oh, oh ... so extroverted. »« But actually it‘s torture because it produces heart palpitations, causes monotony that has all shades of color, it‘s bright, vivid, maybe yellow, green, ... velvet, but at the same time I think: it‘s so, so exhausting.

album 3582

09.10 Everyone says sleep is so important and I hear them, of course (I am not deaf), but then I think of the phrase: »Better dark rings than no jewelry at all.« And because I have to soak up so much (there is no other option), I have to save elsewhere. »« When the person was still sharing his time with me, I often lacked energy, it was translucent, because actually I felt myself like I would get to know so much (which is not true, not from the point of current perspective) and right now I think with amusement: logically, he was a muse. »« A little deamon that soaked all I had. »« Because he is the way he is, I think, maybe I‘m a pedophile, and this thought also amuses me so I think of Adolf Loos, »oh how forbidden« - but I know: these are my lies and I can do whatever I want with them. »« The posters for the sexatronic look wonderful, they are decorated with a porn actress who later became a politician. »« It‘s not that I don‘t like looking at beautiful men, but when I share my mind, I‘m grateful when it‘s consumed by a person who doesn‘t identify as one. Just because I am vain I remember a sentence somebody said to me one time: »The composer is loved by everybody [men], because there is nearly nobody [women] like her.« »« We have it hard, we: the ones with tits, but also all the boys love us, because once we enter, there are not many like us. »« By the way, if it wasn‘t clear yet: I am a maniac, I always was. 

11.30 If I would do the naked tea party today, I would invite following people: the witch and her temptation, maybe her friend, the warrior and her partner, the gazelle and whoever she is with, the sexatronic and her partner, the velvet and her colour, the chair, the painter, the person he shares a studio with and his partner, the Lidl-guy, the Swedish, the artist with a baby from the light house, maybe the three beautiful bar people, also from the white house, the fixing and the ignoring character, their friend with the charger, maybe Fidel Castro? That are already a lot of people, with me 28. That could be. »« Right now I think, time goes too slow. How nice it would be if this diary would be finished, but then I think: do I have to jump for the end? Maybe. »Could be.« I am exited about that.

19.30 Instead of working, the chair visited me, actually only for a short while, but then we stuck together, somehow. Like two materials that run into each other, at the moment you clean up the lab, at the moment of creation. »« Moments, that‘s what I live in. »« Not time, not space, not even conviction, I live in the second in which I am admired and can reflect my temptation in it, only this moment counts. »« We sat there for a while, in the meadow, then we walked around a bit because a Palestine demonstration set up next to us (I think we‘re both anarchists, but we haven‘t talked about politics yet). 

03.30 Worked a bit on the application, not the thesis, I should be ashamed of myself, instead I go to bed with a guilty conscience and curl up for the night. »« The chair said something about meat, and when I look at his hands I understand how he works (and I imagine what else he could do with them).°°°
BUT!

 

album 3583

08.10 I have a meeting with the professor. My brain is on fire (but not in a good way, it is more like... fucking hurting), in the morning I have the nerve to admit: I‘m losing control of my life. »« It can be debated whether this is really happening now (and whether you can really be late for your own life).

14.00 The professor wasn‘t disappointed, we had a good chat, I told him about my lovely Marina, of course he knows her, sure, he also knows the person and says: »I never liked him.« (I see it‘s true, even he adds: »He was so beautiful, but also so, so shallow.«) »« What the professor doesn‘t know is myself, because of the unpredictability (well, I am always blonde). »« This led me to assume that I can give him a play and I think he deserves it (because he‘s a magical character). »« I go to the beach, with the chair. »« The witch doesn‘t have time (or doesn‘t want to have, not writing this cynical) and my mouth wants to touch his but can‘t, I guess, confusion! »« I guess I go with Nebelkerzen, because my body is not mine, even if I would like to claim otherwise. (This is a stolen sentence.)

01.15 Well I guess maybe I don‘t deserve it any different, it must be the way I behave. »« The chair asked how I was with my broken heart, I thanked him (like a lovely lady) and he said he thought we were the same (I don‘t think so). »« He is tender, so so tender (even his arms, and all the metall). »« And the thing is, I‘m not. »« But I‘m also so bad at replying no (and thankful I didn‘t have to say it because he didn‘t ask). »« Unfortunately, now, my mind is no longer mine either because it‘s creating another theater - this time for me and there is only one chair in my mindland, it‘s the one I am sitting on. Well, I replied to him, I don‘t care much (even I hate)! »« I‘m a hopeless bystander without any influence. »« I want to dismantle the world, I think of the one from the prologue who resembles me, what did he say? »To heal from people you need other people, that may not apply to all characters, but for apparently him and maybe me. The problem is the »after world« I guess, because I want it like I drew it, the monologue is ready to be spoken, but people ... humans are so expensive and I am just a poor artist. »Is, is...« »« I want them all to be friends and only very few understand how I live what I was writing. »« It is a pity.

album 3584

06.35 About the enigma. This city is tiny and after some reflection on the subject of participation, I only drift further away from the fact that I have to exist, participate, encounter in this art scene because: the women are cows and the men are pigs. »« And no one is a philosopher there. »« But I, I am a singularity, I carry the stories of pluralism with me, because they are not mine, but the ones my eyes have seen and my ears heard, I am a collector and I do my archive with words. »« I don‘t attach much importance to quotability (and that must remain a secret between us, dear reader) even I love further research and I can‘t memorize anything, isn‘t that right? Right. It must be like that. Because I am the mad one. »« Well, the injustices of others dig themselves into my references even without my memory, it‘s because I am sensional. »« Mmmmm. »« Instead of attract them, I want them to be temted so they get in mood to seduce me, to be the fog I can hide while I observe, maybe I should be more like Beuys, instead of Abramovic, he let the people stay outside.

09.15 Because, right now I‘m thinking, it must be simple: The women will be there because I gather them around me and the men are already waiting because they can‘t think of anything better, there, with their noses pressed flat outside the shop window. »« Mmmmm. »« Hurry hurry hurry! »« My life is going too slowly in a sense of: Tic, tac. »« I‘m sharing myself and people are snatching the pieces out of my hand like hot cakes, yes, that‘s what I want. »«  And then a sex party. The professor said yesterday that I was a punk. I always thought I was a hippie because I don‘t care about society, but maybe he‘s right because I‘m surprisingly angry for the first statement.
I never saw the movie, but when I was in the car yesterday I thought »all the boys love m[ary jan]e«.
A poem.
»Mein Rand reicht weiter als das Ende,
weil ich mich in tausend Teile zwänge.«

03.15 I was out with the Russian, first we saw the cat on the street, so cute! »« We talked about him, when he entered the shop (he was with Jack White) - well. »« Not much time passed when the fighter and her friend past us, randomly. (The city is smaller than me sometimes.) So we stayed together, saw art (but primarily rich people) and were forced into VR, which sent me to a rage (because: fuck art, who am I? Artist? Hardly!) »« I invited them all to the lab and I think it was a fruitful evening. »« The professor said I need vacation, and even though I don‘t really agree with him, I‘m taking one (but also mainly missinterpret it conciously). 

album 3585

09.10 Basically, I know what I should do and I still decide against it. Because today is the Sexatronica‘s Day, so I‘m off work. (Bad excuse.) »« I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see, a smile. »« I think, for today, the witch has to lend me a dress. 

06.35 Incidentally, the matter is almost healed at one end, I think: well, at least, at least! »« I‘m getting the fixing character‘s pictures to develop, he‘ll owe me money for it, but I treat wealth differently. »« He asked this week if I would come to his party and I thought, yes maybe, after the mental sex. 

11.10 (But the next day already.) We, the witch and I took the chair to the Sexatronica and there they all were, the honest and pure souls (me simple-minded beauty lover), and yet: stupid we were that we went to the fixer. »« We were buried there by the demons, so we didn‘t stay long, the witch and I, we ran back to the safe harbor, where we are appreciated, where the music doesn‘t draw a queue for life (and yet, even the escape costet resources). »« In short: it‘s not worth writing down what‘s annoying but, what bleeds the most: if I opened my mouth, I‘d be nothing more than the hysteric, but I‘m the madwoman, right? Maybe.... »« Not much left for me anyway, well, it‘s beyond late and early and elapsed, so just the hardfacts:
- the witch wasn‘t with us in the lab
- the chipmunk isn‘t gay
- the fighter‘s partner seems a good choice
- the chair fell asleep in the kitchen
- the chair and I were in the garden picking flowers, watching ducks. »« (I think: »all the boys«, because we‘ve only known each other for a week, he sends me a rose.) »« Luckily when I came back from the garden the velvet was still in my bed, I ordered food for us, we decided to breakfast in the sun and now it‘s quiet. Too quiet. (I‘m sitting in the yellow chair.) 

12.35 After breakfast, the velvet has climbed up the mountain to the chipmunk and I‘m on my balcony in dreamland, it‘s a strange time to go to sleep, a strange wave to exist. »« So many things are there at the same moment. »« The velvet invites me for barbeque later, in the chipmunk‘s building. »« Whatever, I have to sleep.

 

album 3586

04.50 There, on the barbeque balcony I met the womanman and I think I can say I‘ve never seen such a beautiful face, admittedly, I know I‘m simple-minded. »« But it‘s so beautiful, the woman‘s face on the man‘s body framed by the long hair of femininity. »« The latvian kissed me goodbye, the sexatronica said: nobody goes mad, because even if we can‘t say some things to anyone else, we listen to each other, »we listen to each other.« Her words heal me, not today, but increasingly. »« The womanman walked me home, and I tried not to stare.

album 3587

14.35 The sexatronica, her partner and the velvet come for breakfast (we agreed on this yesterday), actually we wanted to go to the beach together, but I‘m motivated to work on my thesis. »« For the new jewelry in the zoo‘s diamond store, I set up the table, picked flowers and decorated my nest for my admired ones. »« It‘s in keeping with the idea of minimalism, I guess, because the plants are dying anyway. »« The chair says he has to work, but that we should have coffee today, I replied that I‘m having breakfast at the moment, he should come!, but then we arrange to meet for another breakfast later. »« (For this one I invite the witch too.) 

21.50 Unfortunately the schedule got in the way and the chair and I sat outside in the meadow instead, while the witch ensnared a physicist (but somewhere else, she got lost), anyway the chair is in love and I think he‘s an idiot for being so. »« (All the boys, ... all the boys, but not the magician.)

01.40 The chair broke in less than a week.

album 3588

10.35 Some days I hate myself for my own procrastination, I slept until just now, the lab looks like I was conducting nuclear experiments last night, anyone who lives so far away from reality can‘t really be anchored in society, that‘s what‘s running through my head as I clean up the mess. 

14.20 It‘s not that the idea of the cult has only just occurred to me now [instead it was 3982 days ago], but it happened already twice that I‘ve been lost, not as a member but as a leader. »« Well then, all good things come in threes and thank the lord I have the witch by my side. »« (Because she is there for her own reasons.) »« We could both behave differently, but our cult is not a bad thing, (it‘s not emancipation either), in my eyes it‘s much more a parcifist attitude towards art: because look around you, they all look the same and have done so since the seventies. »« Anyone who makes a statement only does so, if they are absolutely sure of it and the foundation is preceded by everything being received a hundred thousand times, recited, abstracted (and in the end we see performance everywhere). »Bah« 

03.45 Well, I would like to summarize it this way, because for the cult exists another paper: The last big influences were Abramovic (because the woman has silenced 250.000 people), Christo (because the sheer size of his art) and for fun I‘ll add Schwitter, because the cult should take place inside. »And (the problems):«
1. overacademisation of art 
2. capitalisation of art 
3. demoralisation of art payment 
4. elitarization of art (because look at the painter)
5. overvirtualisation of art 
6. oversharing of art 
So, let‘s be a punk, a parcifist, somebody that does not do nothing except hedonistic shit with some mental orgasms. (Because the own name is the melody our ears catch the sharpest, amiration is the motor of my little sheeps and I am sure I can show them how to divide it between them.

 

album 3589

08.15 I‘ve forgotten about the fucking studio again (or rather, I‘ve actively avoided it), for academic reasons of course! »« Well, I don‘t drink, but I write and people who write have to smoke because if they don‘t, their pen is not moving. »« I am a flexible addicted person, so once I should ever stop smoking (I just think this now) I will start drinking red wine (because I don‘t like the taste). 

12.10 The mother calls every day now and I think something has to happen, complete speration maybe, well, well, I love her, and recently she started to get cute (I think she‘s healing too). 

15.15 I don‘t know if the witch is aware of what the drive of [my] cult is, because in fact I‘m already running my vision with her and I‘m liquoring the information. »« But: The product I‘m selling is the mirror of your future, and because the own sound is always the one we like to listen to the most, it‘s so easy for me. »« I confess, I‘m an idiot for occupying myself with this instead of writing thesis I, maybe it‘s because I‘ve been drinking too much coffee. (Today could be already the day of red wine, but maybe not.) I go and visit the witch.

02.30  I‘ve been spending a lot of time with the chair in this last week and today he asked how we should deal with the tention that hovers in the air between us. »« I tried to explain myself to him, but I could see in his eyes that my words were a foreign language to him. »« I don‘t blame him, on the one hand I think he is still so young, on the other hand I know he is too fragile to live the way I have chosen for myself. My purpose in life is symbiosis, platonie, I don‘t know ... »« Anyway, he said there is nothing wrong with a bit of kissing and as the words left his lips I saw they were a lie, because he already has the heart in the hand. »« For a report I called the witch, she deconstructed why everybody falls in love (it‘s a statement of hers) and I just answer it is due to the fact, that also for them I have the mirror with me. 

album 3590

06:15 Yesterday was a day and today is another one, but it feels like tomorrow, even it is just the morning, the night was short. »« I mean, I am napping in the afternoon (normally), so apparently I have two times evening, two times morning, two times night (...). Maybe integrated in language I will aknowledge it better, can be. 

09.30 The chair says he just lets things happen, but I am the one who makes them possible, and also I am not a magician, so there is jsut reality, dry, sad, expective. Nothing more happens which is not within the framework in which it will be acceptable, at least for now, at least for what I feel inside me. »« It‘s the horcrux idea that drives me, because only those who share are partially independent. »« I should cling to the sexatronic, because it‘s entangled in something that could save me. »« The old person couldn‘t change that, because I‘m tearing myself apart the way I want to, the way I might not need to, it‘s just the way it has to be, at least in my being, right? Right. »« He didn‘t understand, because he never loved somebody unconditionall, not even himself. »« It‘s late and I‘ve been drinking but it‘s getting later and later and yet I‘m not sobering up. »« The velvelt, the chair and I were out, we met another russian, they all seem so talkative (the asians), I think it might have been better to move to moscow after all, because: all those beautiful blonde eyes.   

03.30 I press the following into my pillow next to my head today: the velvet‘s old temptation was at the table when I meandered around the sexatronic, I say: she‘s cuddly and he replies: I‘m an artist (I knew that, but everyone is waiting to say it out loud) well! »« I was late, as usual, even though I claim otherwise, but the velvet was well taken care of, from the chair, from the painter.... maybe because she takes care of herself (that‘s what I am thinking). I guess, that‘s it. »« It‘s the place, where the artist obviously spends no time (but I don‘t want to be cynical, I don‘t hate all men, so also not the one the russian was a little tempted by.) »« I introduced her to the professor and she danced for him, receiving my highest appreciation for it, because she flattered him with the words not to call herself a philosopher, that it‘s me who drapes it around her, the professor replies: »They live in their own narrative«, he likes it, I saw that, while he himself doesn‘t understand that he is the origin of it, giving it with his dance the only choreograpghy needed (while not even being at the party, you know?).

 

album 3591 

06.15 And again I‘d like to start the day with »yesterday«, because morning is the time when I think and yesterday the photographer asked me if she could read something, something specific (I know what). »Yesterday« I said yes and now I don‘t even think about saying no anymore. Because no chance in  no universe, no stage for no artist. Not him. »« The chair says this is flirting what we are doing and I agree with him, with the difference, I am the only one but for me he is everbody. »«

18.15 The sexatronic came to my house to work, I find it funny because somehow yesterday she brought me her headphones and today she came to get her stuff, to book me a ticket for a festival.... well, I was there last year and I hate to admit that it‘s nearly 100 pages long, the account of the horrible and because it‘s now exactly 365 albums later, not only do I think, no no she can‘t read it, but also, oh no, I need to treat trauma. »« So I let the sexatronic do what she needs to do to let me be where we all want me to be. Because: in no other circumstance of life would it surprise me that the sexatronic comes by, in no universe do I normally know the being of ignorance, and yet I suspect it behind every tree lately, even I think it‘s not the trust but the abuse that is the problem, and hallo, there rings something.

00.30 Well - while - the photographer said: it‘s a good idea, the festival. And I think: I‘m ready to smash the face of the man from back then, I asked them if they would accept it, and they said, of course. »« (With all my body I wish him it won‘t hurt, while I hope for me, that the punsh will disfigure his face for a little while, because beauty has always been his achilles.) »« See you at a festival, I said, then I added: good night. Goodbye blond curls, good morning femme fatale.

album 3592

10.15 I sit on the bus and fantasize about the person‘s face.°°° I carry his memory in my finger, forever, and my hands are my capital, because I‘m an artist, right? Right. »« Well, his capital is his face and that‘s why I think it‘s poetic, because: give the little monkey sugar because the story is written anyways, the monkey is caged nd by that let‘s make it a narrative. »« White crumbs everywhere. 

album 3593 

18.00 When I got off the bus yesterday, something happened: I saw the ladies waiting for me but then I heard the voices of men, the person‘s friends, they were sitting at the table next to it, closer to the bus door. »« I kept it short, thinking: Bingo, he must be there because all the others are here and, man, this guy never does anything alone. »« Well, in the end his intuition was probably working well because I didn‘t see him anywhere and good for him, even if he doesn‘t know his luck. »« I‘m sitting on the bus back to the capital, while the fighter strokes my arm, I‘m her baby, I feel like it, at least for a grateful moment.

21.15 Sometimes I think I‘m a cricket, at least that‘s what‘s going around in my head when I enter my house. The chair and I go out, even though I‘m actually low on energy, but: my face is beautiful, the old person‘s face is still beautiful, so I get drunk.

05.40 It‘s so easy to spend time with the chair because we‘re so similar (maybe because I am a table). »« I think we both drift into naivety, but not because we‘re stupid, it‘s our response to the environment. But what am I writing, I can‘t speak for others, I can only observe them (and I promised myself I wouldn‘t do that anymore). »«  I think it‘s a shame that the chair and the candy lady are such close friends, because that friendship automatically diminishes the relationship between us. »« I‘m drunk, so drunk that I accidentally broke my wine glass on the shore. The chair took care of it, and as I write this I think I could so easily have been his baby, if only some things had just been different, if I had been different, bah, maybe not me, but the others, I mean, I always do my best right?, But, what, if I had been observing other people...

album 3594 

08.20 Sometimes I hate myself for thinking time and sleep can be individually chosen because: right now I‘m sitting at my computer doing stuff for the studio while my head is screaming: »AUA AUA«.

10.00 More sleep: »pull me into your sheets, dear dreamland, I promise I‘ll be quiet in there.« [__]

12.20 I don‘t have any coffee at home, I will go to the witch (it‘s 30 min walking, so I‘ll annoy her at least the afternoon). »« She says I should help her shake out her hair, but I‘ve come for the coffee, right? Right. »« I love the witch° (even she has this beardy dog).

16.40 The chair calls, asks what I‘m doing and I cook Strogonoff before I go to sleep, but I change the plan, say, let‘s breakfast it together, maybe around 21.30? He says yes. I go to sleep. [__]

21.10 I take a shower, heat the food. He said, he brings a bottle of wine but I put one in the fridge anyways. 

07.50 A theater I want to draw: He and I went to the intendant and it turns out the chair is inventory. (But so am I.) Well, neither of us are gifted playmasters, and yet I almost won, because we‘re just having fun there. »« I‘m a simple woman - admiring his painted hands during the game, I thought they were decisived. »« When I saw him placing the men away from the next table with such a tenderness, but also so decided - a forced pet, I thought he has the calmness of a mother even if he looks like a skinhead. »« Maybe I‘m lying about how he looks. »« After all, I‘m an artist, not a writer, and I‘m certainly not someone who has the right to give descriptions, because morality! »« Moral....mmmmmm how nice it would be if he was like me, we would celebrate sleepovers whenever we wanted. »« We were walking down the street and a person walked towards us with a mask on his face, the one we remember from covid, and he was wearing a wig on his head, like somebody that goes to carneval. When he passed us I wondered who this human was hiding from, his dark hair sticking out of the bright cover of his identity. »« Maybe it‘s nobody specific, just the world itself, that reminds me of myself - I think: maybe that‘s my future, future sounds great in german »Zukunft« (something coming). [__]

album 3595 

14.10 The answer is directly in front of me and yet belongs to them, that is what I need to assume. I mean, what is the truth, right? »« Some people have very smart concepts for and about that but I feel it‘s not me, being one of them. »« I spoke with the chipmunk about my fear to have wrong convictions (imagine: an artist that fails. It isn‘t possible, right? It can‘t be...) and Jelinek came to my mind, just now, but the other day, by talking to the chipmunk, it became a causality. 

18.30 I‘m about to make my way to the Mexican, he‘s not described at the beginning because he‘s moving away tomorrow, but he‘s written a song about me, he called it Lion (and I am flattered, even I think it‘s too much, we are not familiar). »« Worse, I don‘t even remember his name, but because he was so enchanted, he invited me to his house, invited me to his dinner, into his heart, into his poetry. »« Vainly I would like to say that this is the fourth person who has written a song about me and I would like to note that the old person was not one of them, he always claimed to understand  music, but the melodies he produced were noise in the ears of my album lady persona.

19.20 I‘m adopted from all sides, and sometimes it‘s still a strange feeling for me, because I think: why? »« But then, there are songs that say the following things: »(...) lion of golden mane, the opera yells and explores, lion with your mane, with your grace, I feel precence in the eternity.« »« That must be love, because real love doesn‘t exist anyway. (I‘m not a cynic as I write this).

03.40 The witch and I were drinking tea and coffee in the middle of the night, sitting on a park bench watching someone we know, the witch said in the visual art the Candy Lady is the mother of mafia and she‘s right in all parts with what‘s leaving her lips. »« I couldn‘t have forgiven myself if I had been the person to introduce the lady to her, I couldn‘t even bear to be with the candy lady, the witch and the characters, I think: well, thank god they‘re gone, the characters and the witch is the one who stayed, not vice versa, she stayed undescribed, not like me, I know the candy lady, while the witch is white, but not of the powder and I think this is something angelic about her. »« Because she is the real one, that can exist without the fuel.

album 3596 

09.20 The witch is sad and I‘m not right with the choice of words, because she doesn‘t seem sad to me, there‘s just no room for animals like her, I‘m not writing this across the board, I think it‘s a tragedy. »«  Because, nothing is allowed in the rational world, and unlucky is the one who follows his instincts, who is a sensual... because sensations are not there for the people, they don‘t fit them, because we are only here to feed the machine. »« I think of Steppenwolf, of the power of death, not because death is powerful, but because the decision is.

00.30 The witch was here for a coffee and we made the sexual partner catalog, sadly it‘s not very full and the magician didn‘t even really make it in because: no one talks to him. »« When the witch left (today is her mom‘s birthday) I booked a flight home, even though nothing awaits me there. »« Then I went out and met Jesus, I fell in love, even though I don‘t feel love, it‘s due to the fact, that he saved his number in my phone with putting that name, he isn‘t aware, but he is a narrative. He bears the name of my first boyfriend, I see it as a sign to either run or fight.

album 3597

16.15 Well, exciting: the Jesus found me through no fault of my own, wonderful, and now I‘m dating the one who cares about everything (we meet for music, for the magician, but I already know that we won‘t listen his drums, it‘s silly). 

21.30 There, the one who cares about everything said while sitting in this gallery garden, that others suffer from domesticated violence, not just from a finger that was bitten. »« [...] »« Haha. »« I can‘t think of anything better to say and that‘s the disconnection.

01.20 sometimes I don‘t feel like writing, but then a nice sentence whirls around in my head and I think: oh, the pen. »« My life is crumbling through my own numb paws. And maybe only the cult can give the whole thing a foothold. »« I‘ve seen a short film in german and another in russian, but there my thoughts were decorated by nothing other than the cult. »« Sometimes I think I just add information, because it actually suits the visuals and I am just and adict, as I always say. I talk!

album 3598

00.30 The days when the most people advertise amazing things happening are usually the days when the least really does. »« The witch, the chair and I were out, but there was something wrong between the two of them. »« I ejected the witch into the bar and then wrote to the jesus asking if he wanted to show me his picture. Oh baby.

 

album 3599

08.50 In 10 minutes I‘m driving to the south, where I was last week (not that far), but exactly where I spent my time the last summer, countingly one year ago.

 

album 3600

23.10 My spirit is healed because I was able to admire a symbiosis. »« They kissed, not in front of me but obviously the night before and even if they come across a bit goovy, the two of them, one has a father who works in the european parliament (this is most likely a lie) and the other passes his time with a sweet boy who must know more than he offers, so they look mature, I guess. »« When I met this sweet boy later, I liked, that he was a bit cocky. »« Maybe he doesn‘t want to understand yet, that by talking to me, he becomes part of my linguistic: the cult is nothing more than a sentence. »« »This is the cult.« »«  It is interpreted by all those who are destined to hear the concept. »« It is also linguistic performance, a x-dimensional one, but with intimacy that cannot be replaced by something. (Imagine conciousness would be the 5th dimension, just so we say so, just so we could investigate). The question was maybe: what was the first project?, but when I look at this sweet boy while he listens to me I only remember the je ne sais quoi about finishing an artpiece. »« What if the future is not the thing which is in front of us, but behind? Imagine, what if you turn your head. »« What is the thing we are supposed to see.

00.30 There I built a sand castle, and when I wanted to smoke, four magical hands handed me two wonderful cigarettes. »« I gifted myself away, but without any wrapping (because my body is not mine anyways in this moment), and now I feel like I‘m flying away - finally! »« Last something: I came with a towel, later I brought bread, secretly it is a tribute to Douglas Adams, I think he would be amused, because the jesus and I agreed: the only truth is that it is fed with lies, collected along the way, seasoned, for flavor, social favor. »« I enjoy that he waited to tell me he is a philosopher.  Maybe je waited, because it is a lie, but what do I care. The simplicity suits him.

album 3601

08.50 The lesbian friends of the sexatronica were there too (in the small town, in the van I slept like a princess) - the day after, on sunday (at the beach) she said I was sassy, and even though I carried a head in my head, I wasn‘t really familiar with the word, after translating it I am now sure that I would describe myself that way, and with full pride. »« Because nothing less suits me than impertinence. 

22.50 Sometimes the witch says it‘s because I look like something I don‘t embody. I agree with her because I feel the same way (it helps, we end up in rich hotels): the edge isn‘t great, but worth loving because they don‘t know what‘s happening to them. »« The four lesbians and I had dinner, and guess what, Casa da India never disappoints nobody: they sell strogonoff.  

04.30 After the dinner, the witch was here, so was the chair. »« They both act like they‘re fighting and they don‘t seem to realize what it is (neither I do). I manifest: the tension is positive.

album 3602 (31.July)

08.50 I‘m working on the cult, wrote a missive to the university (just for fun, for confusion, for the case it works) and now I‘m dedicated to symbiosis. »« The witch needs structure, I can tell. »« The chair and I went to art and before that he was striptease dancing (well, it was more his friend) in front of a rich icelandic man, funny: his son (the ice-son) is a musician and the family portrait presented to me couldn‘t have been more disgraceful, oh a shame it is to be in art. »« OH A SHAME. »« When the old man was handing out the business cards to the young men, I asked the chair and his goat (it‘s the beard!) if they enjoyed the sex, I guess not everyone at the table understood, but whatever. »« Later I danced the same sort of play, a multilogue with all the drug flowers that were growing there on the street, I had my fun, but basically I did the same, just that I didn‘t do it for money, but for idiots. »« There was the rich one: oh poor thing... she said she still fights against women and I think: (nice, that she knows, but):

            !   R   U   N   ! 

Run if you‘re an artist (I‘m talking to myself because there was no other woman). »« I would find it inappropriate to say the chair moves me because, let it waste its life, but it‘s not for me to say how sad it made me on my way home. 

album 3603

08.50 Yesterday I drank and today I pay, although I have earned nothing and also payed already the night before. »« It‘s an iron time today, don‘t you feel it? »« The cult could wait, but I run to the witch, because situation meeting: she was there yesterday as well, just a moment, and I think everyone (she and me) did what is the most logical thing for the circle. »« Because tomorrow, I will go to the nature. »« It‘s something that I am supposed to like, because I grew up like that. Liking nature, french people. The vagabund said that I am already there, in the unseperatable path of art, destortion and weakness. Well, how could I critizise him, the bohemian with beautiful hair.

»This is the cult.« 

album 3605

08.50 Away with love! Away with the confusion, from now on there is only the witch, the symbiosis, and above all: the spinning (alt. the cult). »« Welcome.

 

album 3606

08.50 Yesterday I said: »you should see my house, one day«, and the sweet boy replied: »I am moving away, to Paris, (don‘t you remember?)« »« It‘s my birthday, the painter asks why I don‘t talk with him, I say: »it‘s because of inner peace«, I strangely want to see my family.

album 3630 - 28.August

08.50 Perhaps only briefly, because of the lesson, because I have actually learned enough: I love the love.°°° »« I love humanity. »« Especially the one I find inside me. »« At times it makes me lonely, but not when it meets [the others], frequents, exists. »« I feel like sex in the city, not like a woman, but the attraction itself, because I digressed, first just microscopic, then I left. »« Before I would have said: oh no, nothing about me. But then I think: I lean out of the window so that the city has the opportunity to admire. I dance for real, I dance with words, I dance and am dressed with language. »« I can weave and dare to say: I remain love because I love the love. 

11.30 Dear reader, what do I care if you understand my confession, but I say: human is my confusion, that‘s how I like to drift, that‘s how I like to be desired.  »« I didn‘t sleep yesterday, I didn‘t dream today and yet I‘ve been in the clouds° for the last four days. »« I like dramammm, not as much as love, but now imagine the two of them meeting, what can I say. »« I flew, all alone although accompanied. A book about it? Hardly. An episode? It can last 12 hours, I have this time.° »« The earth vibrated (»believe me«). 

15:00 I don‘t want to lie and yet I decorate my front door where I can: I also frequented, perhaps in my own resonance vibration, who knows.°°° 

16:00 Well to conclude for now, for you: a lot has happened! - there was the womanman who didn‘t go home (on the album day 3612) and the other who was supposed to leave too soon, there were flowers, candles, and the twelve hours of love in me. »« In this 12 hours we ate, we talked, we felt married, I wanted it like that. »« It‘s been over after that, because remember, he moves to Paris, I don‘t want to touch anyone because I‘m not the dog, I want to look out the window and admire the city looking at me, the city, where would it be without people (not without me°, of course). »« »Oh how good that no one knows that I water roses in the evening« - do you know the trick? »« The sweet boy made a collage while I was sleeping (not much, as I said, there was just a moment of this earthquake, and it actually happened, it really did). »« My key was inaccessible but me not in this country either, so I didn‘t care, I floated. »« This all happened on the 3612, but today it‘s another day, today I‘m drifting landward, ahead, like the others. »The problem has been future music and mystic hope at the same time.« »« He came back because he was supposed to anyway, but he‘s also doing it because the universe decided so, because the language persuaded him without even using a word. »« Because my witchcraft is that everybody loves me, and dare you to tell me different! »« The cards say: »what is the secret?« »« °°I don‘t know, but I know I have the key, even I forgot it in the house of this sweet boy. »« And here we are, I have it back, him, my keys, my temptation. »« Thinking, when time is limited I don‘t want to write, not my thesis, not the cult, not even a love letter. Because instead of writing I want to talk, the shades! It is so much colors in linguistic, what if I would know when I am supposed to die?°°° I would not write one word. »Belgique, Belgique, Belgique, she never comes back, Brigitte.« I go and I talk to him. 

[...]

album 3643

06:10 I wasn‘t stupid, just distracted. So wonderfully occupied. (In my mind‘s eye I see magnetic fields, all in direct current, they can‘t help it, how could they?) »« Last time I accompanied the sweet boy to the airport, not this time, because there‘s no reason to say see you soon. »« A month to France, but he knows nothing about that. »« And then it‘s quiet again, it‘s quiet right now, I‘m silent. Maybe empty? °I don‘t know. »« That‘s the thing about adieuing each other, in the end everyone takes something with them as a souvenir and only some leave something behind. »« I am now owner of the feeling that an ending is only good if the thing was bad. »« But that‘s the way it is, that‘s the way of things, oh Fischli. »« Until you make noise, there is just silence in your reference. »« Maybe I existed before, after, but who am I in between?° »« He left a towel. »«  What a pity that I didn‘t ask the sweet boy if he knows Douglas Adams, but I told him, magenta is not a color. 

15:30 One week of confusion, one day of silence, just moment the phoenix. 

album 3643

07:20 In the end, what must come to us will arrive, because maybe the future is not in front of us, but behind. »« I can‘t see it (I doubt you do), but the past is right in front of me and it‘s hard to restrain myself from slicing it with my scissor hands. To avoid doing it, I look away, turn my head back to the future. Better I walk slow.
»This is the cult.«
»What is the secret?«

 

 

 

 

LITTLE BIG BREAK

album 3800

Things start, and then the identity of it is there.
Somehow we arise from nothing and one day, we know our name.
At least, I know mine, right? 
We come from confusion while we run into it / we love, but we drift, we drown, we sink, we surrender; so let’s enjoy the moment of empiric clarity.
I can’t say, when it started that I demanded the world.
(While, instead, I arrived to the believe, you only write when you are chaotic.)
It’s not like diaries are things that work out properly, so there must be this shifts, I assume.
It’s okay to act bipolar, a certain mind deserves to be stimulated.
I was just on the street, and then it had all ended and now I will write a whole book about it, thinking, this is the approach that had been internalized, for the good and bad. 
This means: endless café.
            A strike, a pose. 
I could overthink it at that point, but somewhat I cured to detail. 
It was the French that opened my eyes. 
Time is a concept.
If everything would be not more than a coincidence, then I wonder why synchronicities are sometimes so visible, while shadow is the only absence we can see. 

album 3804

I can tell, I had been dying and maybe it is still happening, but it feels also better now, I guess it has been my lungs that broke, when I listened the sound. 
It’s all over, there is nothing else to do than breathe and sleep.
Today I had been reading, that there is a way out, and so now I try again the conscious sleeping.
I guess, the world waits for me, this time not as Cynthia, but as a color that is so far unknown to me. 
            Somewhat I need to think about Lady Gaga. 
I assume we could have died together, and we would both be still alive. It’s ridiculously clear, like a hologram imprinted "dnatically". I have lost a bit of language, the computer was saying the same, but at the moment I do pretty good with conventional silence. 

album 3808

I am thinking about dynasties all day, because the other said it so beautifully:
                all the things are one big shithow, but not like in a bad way, because actually I enjoy it, this is so much good material: the baby calling the white guy out to leave, then the things happening with russians falling out of windows, to not forget the turkish; ah what can I say: all! 
It’s Europe, it’s chaos, I see a pattern.
Accumulating stories into the private antiquario.
Because one day, I have said it already so many times to Hannah, I will hide in the little Matrushkaja, Madame, maybe in France, but just so I don’t need a lens.
They have pretty boys and pretty girls there, right? 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Imagine.

album 3811

I leave my house, I left my job, I am bankrot in about 2 months. I feel free.
Honestly, I accept people which write in a diary all the time and ongoingly. 
I normally put the life on a note, then I forget it a while until it ends somewhere, because I move, and instead there is a deformed memory. 
          I move. 
But mentally, I guess.
I moved.
At least I have hard times to write, because the things that are ingrained in the enigma around me can’t be written down (why ever, typical blokade) and instead all the other stories trying to be written are shit and boring and pretentious and in general there is not a lot new vocabulary I have learnd. 
So much noise around me. The woman has jealous eyes recently, but not because of perceptory things, but because of power dynamics. I have no energy for it. 
           It’s exactly this, one time I think twice a day to note something down and then I forget my identity for a whole year straight. 
I feel ashamed, because as usual I arrived now finally to the point where I think, boring.
And then there is this thing, that there are always so many characters at the same time; yes YES there is this text that sounds like a desolate frisch would have written it, while at the same moment I think about punishing people into silence, slash, I plan to get high tonight by myself, and still dunno how to escape even within my own house from others.
I assume, that’s my life now.
Ich bin manchmal so dermaßen eine Heulsuse.

album 3812

You know what really messes with me? 
Now they say, woman are overpowering guys in school, but de facto the content didn’t change in twenty years, at least not in Germany.
So they say, it’s an epidemic, all the depressed men. 
But just to remind myself: a single woman without children has a longer life expectation, is less likely to suffer from addiction as well as suicide, while for a man counts the exact opposite. Of course. I have my security web of support.
Why should I share that.
I am fed up with this boring conversation. 
I have a movie idea, but at the moment I do nothing (isn’t entirely true, I wrote a short book, called “I have died on Friday”, but it’s not so really good).
I have met with Batu and I have told him, that our audio visual thing is just audio visual stuff and I saw that it has hurt him, I think it’s because he’s high at the moment.
State high I mean by that, i can see in his eyes that he is inspired, and it felt to me like I quit a relationship - but art needs to be something worth; otherwise we can also live with the synopsis. 
There is nothing psychotic somewhere; I feel sorry that others suffer from my radicality sometimes. 
They don’t deserve it, but we all do deserve better. 
They say, in the 30’ you humble, I wonder if it’s true.
It gave too much of Joan Jonas, while we are not in the 90’ anymore... he understood!

album 3817

All them came to my house, mainly because they were doing carnival outside of here, but it was nice; it turned within itself into a good bye moment for my house. 
I feel a bit like their cult leader, sometimes though it is overwhelming because you need to offer a lot to keep the pigs entertained; this sounds very ungrateful, which I am not, I am just an more poor pig than all them together.
I had wine, figs, grapes, cheese, bread.

album 3818

I had been taking drugs yesterday evening, and that even before somebody came over, which is now, since maybe 3 days, a habit I have. I think it’s one of this moments where I already knew before, that mania will arrive. 
I finally need to accept it I assume, and find better habits, but not at the moment, maybe next week.
At a certain point I excuse it with the beauty of living alone, as an adult woman.
I want to rewrite that book, and I shifted myself in the state of thinking, it’s a good idea to do it this way. 
The truth is, that there is only a limited amount of books that can be written, and even a crazy person would need to jump into the text to have all documented. 
So and I finish nothing, also the theater: not finished. 
But I keep writing all the time, mainly without a linguistic identity, because once it’s written down I think: oh no, it could have been done different, and then the branch of the tree is climbing, in any direction, such as a big bang, when it arrived at that certain point, I always know there is nothing to grasp anymore. 
I got a bit fat recently, because I eat nearly every day a plate of chocolate, so well it’s by that not only imagination. I walk, but recently I also started drinking (not starting, but started started).
The actual problem with the little book is, that it’s kinda vibrating Frisch/Kafka back, what is pretty dissapointing, because I not even read something of them recently, and also aside that I normally just write blabla. 
It doesn’t fit my erratic mood at the moment, that’s maybe the real problem (I will survive it).

album 3820

I thought about sending Elon Musk (or somebody whatever is like him) a letter written with a typewriter, by Dolly Blockbuster, (side note: at the current date the name of Musk is still with a red line GOOD, Dolly’s name though: untouched).
However: A letter, offering the last human source.
It would be so great, because a maniac meets a maniac, and a narcissist needs always an observer, and dare them to expect an interrogation, instead it’s pure exposition. It might be a form of linguistic performance. Private, exclusive, made by Dolly. 
The only way to respond: with a letter. Analog. That's so stupid to do what I find funny. 
It is having some certain points that I find interesting, it reminds me of the conversation between Arendt and Heidegger (the villian idea of it); but it’s also a very intimate kind of thing, pretty pretty close to the Antoni Tàpies’ Black on Gray; while also it reminds me extractly of the Rilke Letter to a Young Poet (bit cynical) haha. 

album 3824

So apparently tomorrow I move to a new house with the witch / wife, and I think it’s going to be beautiful. I am a little concerned, that it is for two years, because I do not know how to sort that, but I have two goals: 
Lucid Dreaming
Astralprojection
-- I use this diary starting from today to record dreams, am I awake? Yes, yes, in this second I am. I can see what I write. I look around: all normal.
Beside that I listened the last two days to the Astraprojection thingi on Youtube: (Link Later) INTERESTING.
And something off-road: I have seen, that the french person is now really often just in the house of the other where he dragged all my knowledge. Life just around the corner, you know. (Rhetoric!)

album 3826
They have all helped, they brought food, I have cleaned as far as I wanted, and my bed looks gorgeous in my empty room. It is raining outside, but inside therefore it has a charm.
I am thinking about covering my all four walls with curtain as in this theater 2018 that concentrated the stage with a prismatic effect into a textile done vagina.
I could choose curtains, that are slightly pink, maybe even so subtle, that it reminds of the LeWitt (or whoever was it) coloring.

album 3828
The witch just came home from work and it feels so natural, that I wake up and she goes to sleep, it’s so organic, that it surprises me anyways.
I think by that we create our own reality. 
What if I write a movie script, then I sell it and all the rights to it etc. and maybe even as a ghost writer. I specifically send it to one human, say, you can all have it, we write a contract and so on. 
Isn’t art then still mine, because mental property, so couldn’t it be later even an art piece to say, yes yes I sold it, but in any case, it is mine?
BTW nothing happening with lucid dreaming, just agglutinating, that somebody breaks in. It doesn’t even go to a point where I dream anything. Just black. 
Actually, now I dreamt. I remember that it had something to do with Antonio, but further I can not remember nothing. But then: Am I concious? Apparently, I can see all my fingers and not my head etc. 

album 3831
I had said following thing to the guy the witch is with: 
If she jumps because of you 
I’ll push your daughter after her
Make you go to the houses with no roofs
Back to see your own breed rot
The problem was that it for sure sounded threatening. Well; he left. I am drunken, that’s the point.
He left, with 43 years.
What can do about it, I am thinking.
I can be sometimes quite a devil, but not because the others don’t deserve it, but because nobody wants to see the purgatory.

album 3832

The old one came, officially to collect her projector but I promise, that she knew something. It was too much of a synchronicity. Well, we had been talking hours and hours about the old love. And I am still sweating. I said, please don’t tell me, while on the other hand I wanted to hear everything.
Later, well it’s a shame. I have been doing witch craft, and yes, I laugh, because it is so silly. However, I put a little glass in a little other glass with water, and it looks nice. The things i burned can`t be seen, because of the prisma around the little cup. 

album 3834

It’s insane. I think I go a little wild. So since two days my finger is hurting again. But then also, just now a little bird has been walking in my room; he or she came from the studio. Not a pigeon though.
I confess a crazy thought: 
António was all the weekend thinking about me; he was introspective and sad, he was wondering if he should reach out, and then on Sunday he needed attention, that’s why he posted something that is some days old, work, not himself. Somehow he has been thinking maybe he would find some admiration, but not just flat, one that is more academic. To proof himself, even though in the beginning he didn’t want to flex.
I know that I am crazy for thinking I can read his mind.
On the other hand I would pay a whole hand to not have this sensations.

album 3835

I mean the thing with playing cooperate is really deep, but i will document it in another thing, so for here it is irrelevant. For here, just things that belong really to the little life I claim.

album 3838
I am now really actively putting the cards, can I believe it? I need to / while thinking: I can’t tell this to the mother. 
But then I remembered that we aren’t speaking anyways. 
I don’t hate her, it’s just the way she represents the future, that is what I hate. 
Now, just when I have a stupid question, I skip the scientific possibility of an answer, I go directly to the cards, at least for the heart things, it’s completely unnessesary to draw reasoning why this is stupid, the awareness sits with the cards on the table, no confusion there; she just gets ignored, full on, while the cards get put in the night; things like that.
I had read something today about hyper awareness, and the inapplicability to speaking therapy - it’s senseless to formulate what tortures me, what I need is a healer.
I had learned the word “erratic” today, which is quite cool,